Wellness Center to Pull Strings on Cut-offs

The wellness center has officially made the move that will save millions of people’s eyes.

Over this past weekend, after the cries from some dumb student journalist, the wellness center will officially require at least three items of winter apparel to be worn while working out on any floor.

“It really gets me sweaty,” said BeefCake Idontunderstandsatire Johnson. “This writer got what he wanted I guess, but at least I will lose some water weight so there is that. By the way, f—k cardio.”

The article in question, “Getting Visually Offended at The Wellness Center,” caused quite a stir. Many folks pointed out the author’s cross-dressing habits and pointed to their lack of knowing what satire was.

Which were all the author’s fault. Still, some protest.

“If you read the article, you can obviously tell Erik (Erik Jonasson II was the author) was making a point about the political atmosphere of this current administration.” I sat down with Jeffery Ireadintothingswaytoomuch Swanson. He told me the author was obviously “fed up” with Trump and all his antics.

“After Trump called The Spectrum fake news, Erik had to make a statement.” Swanson later added the cut-offs was most likely a metaphor. A metaphor for what, he didn’t say. Still, there are those who are upset.

Those people are offended about someone else getting satirically offended, and are now offended, because of reasons.

“I work out. I enjoy my nipples. Why shouldn’t everyone else?” Johnson told us. He later went on to tell us about his supplements he uses, unprovoked, and later gave me pointers on my squats. Thanks, man.

With the wellness center enacting their strict rules on clothing, girls are obviously upset as well.

“Why can’t I just wear my damn sports bra and everybody stop objectifying me?” Jessica Literallyeverygirlever Roberts said.

She told us she was fed up with the obvious bias in dress code and agreed with Johnson.

“Hey, I look good, and this outfit makes me feel good. A guy could totally wear this, but for some reason, I can’t.”

“Oh well, I guess running in snow pants won’t be too bad.”

Jessica Literallyeverygirlever Roberts and BeefCake Idontunderstandsatire Johnson both told me though Erik should for sure find another hobby.

Updates on the wellness center’s policy seems imminent as they juggle their first big legislation piece since their law regarding peeing in the pool being punishable by death. Punishment has not been deemed yet, but many expect satire to be punishment for the first offense.

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