Welcome to the New Top Reality Show: The USA-pprentice

PHOTO COURTESY FLICKR.com Gage Skidmore | Our mighty new host to lead us through this mighty new show.
Our mighty new host to lead us through this mighty new show.

Welcome, one and all to “The USA-pprentice.”

Sick of politics? Sick of lizard people pretending to be humans throwing around crazy accusations of racism, sex-scandals and lizard lineage? Sick of rigged elections that knock out your party’s best candidate not being investigated by the FBI (really shot yourself in the foot there guys)?

Well, this is the place for you. America has decided it’s done with all that stuff. If nothing more, it’s certainly gotten that message across until we elect the next lizard.

Tune in to Trump, the underdog who pulled himself up, with pussy-grabbing paws like a premature puppy’s, into the white house with nothing but a spray tan, meme magic and overzealous statements he can’t deliver on. But hey, Hillary wouldn’t be much better and it’s going to be fun as hell to watch right?

On this episode, watch as Trump negotiates with Putin. Putin has said he’s willing to restore full ties with the U.S., but also that it is going to be difficult. What does that entail for the Trumperino? Removal of sanctions and the missile barrier? Settling disputes over Ukraine by moving out of Russia’s way? Support of Assad?

Does Putin really think he can bully our man in the White Tower? I mean, probably. This is kind of what Putin does. This has been what Trump does for like, a week.

At least, that is what the nay-sayers with nay-say say. They also said Trump wouldn’t be a real candidate, let alone president of the United States of America.

Sorry, I’ve gotta break character for a moment. That last sentence was just so surreal to write.

*Clears throat*

Trump will have Putin surrendering Crimea in under an hour. Strike that, two Crimea’s. Two portions of land the size of Crimea. Neither will go back to Ukraine, but New-S-A will make a great addition to Eastern Europe.

And later in the season finale, watch Trump lead a heist on the Mexican government to allot funds for the wall. Expect “Oceans 11,” but more offensive. He doesn’t need much. Once the concrete is paid for the man will build the wall himself over the summer of 2017 (ya next summer, non-believers).

So don’t forget to tell your friends as they flee for their respective borders to maybe hang around awhile. At the moment this article is being written, Trump has been president-elect for roughly 21 hours, and I don’t think I’m dead yet.

If we’re screwed, we’re screwed. No helping it now. Might as well laugh a bit and see what direction this country goes.

This year has been a wild ride. We’ve seen the U.K. vote to leave the EU, Cubs won the world series, I got a guy at McDonald’s to give me a whole roll of quarters for laundry, which was pretty sweet, and Donald J. Trump is president-elect of the United States of America.

You can say this world is falling apart, but honestly, it’s pretty crazy to just watch. I’m willing to hope 2017 is even crazier. Maybe Ireland will unite, maybe North Koreans will revolt or maybe Apple releases a mac with half a port and a single non-letter key.

As long as things keep getting shaken up, I can at least sit back with some popcorn.


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