When it rains it pours, unless you happen to be Hillary Clinton post-New Hampshire primary.
In that case, it doesn’t just pour, it hails, snows and you find yourself caught in the middle of a sharknado.
Hillary Clinton recently suffered an embarrassing loss to the sadly popular (democratic) socialist Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire’s primary last Tuesday. The defeat has depressed Clinton’s poll numbers to the point where she is no longer the primary challenger to Bernie Sanders.
Vermin Supreme, who runs as a member of the Free Pony Party, and wears a boot on his head, has emerged as a candidate for president this election cycle, second only to Donald Trump.
The reason that has had such a boost lately stems from his campaign promises. The American Dental Association has endorsed him due to his proposed mandated tooth brushing and cleaning law.
He has even gained the trust of every gun-toting, wildlife-refuge-taking-over, rootin-tootin, red-blooded, bible-thumping, fringe-survivalist-who-probably-prays-to-Sarah-Palin, for his zombie apocalypse contingency plan.
While also in one fell swoop, swooning every environmentalist, organic eating, and government dole dependent hippie in the country for his idea of harnessing the zombies for renewable energy.
The one campaign promise Bernie Sanders has the most difficulty competing with, however, is Vermin’s “free pony for everybody” pledge.
To win the election with this policy, Vermin simply needs to register every 5-year-old girl and get her to illegally vote, a trick that he is currently learning from the Democrat Party.
The Sanders Campaign, however, is aware of the growing threat from Vermin, and is looking to combat it by pledging to promise more free crap than Vermin can.
“We have in the works free cracked iPhone screen replacement, daily rations of Fruity Pebbles for breakfast, free of course,” said one member of the Sanders campaign. “We rely heavily on the support from wannabe hipsters as well so we will implement government takeovers of businesses such as Vans Shoes, The Art Of Shaving and any bar that serves Pabst Blue Ribbon, so we can deliver them free of charge to all our voters.”
Hillary Clinton refuses to go down without a fight, seeking help from the most unlikely of sources, Donald Trump. Clinton, baffled by the trouble outsiders have caused this election, has decided to humble herself and learn from Trump.
The Clinton campaign has started running ads against Sanders, claiming he is a “pussy” who doesn’t have the guts to build a wall nearly as big as the mental wall Hillary uses to block out her husband Bill.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire; deal with it.