“I did try and f— her. She was married,” Trump says. “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”
This little leak has finally given me that “a ha” moment I have been looking for. I knew Trump reminded me of someone.
You know that semi-racist/semi-anti-Muslim/most likely to say inappropriate things out in public uncle you only see at large family gatherings? Well I introduce you to Uncle Trump.
Where we like to sit as millennials and bash Hilary Clinton it is hard to bash good-old Uncle Trump.
Sure Trump supporters are going to sit back and chant, “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi!”
Bernie-bros are going to sit back and chant, “What about the banks? What about emails?”
As for Uncle Trump, we give him a break. He makes his “world famous chili” every time he comes over, spoiler alert its canned chili. There is something charming about how he just doesn’t care at all about personal decency.
He has a charming aura about him. Sure he smells of booze at noon, and he is most likely to need a ride home from the bar on a Tuesday, but damn it is hard to not love the booger. He also comes with a bunch of funny stories.
Remember that one time you brought your date to the house for Thanksgiving dinner? A strong emphasis on “one time.” The story goes as follows: you brought her over, he was there and things went south, he proceeded to ask her what bra size she wore, she was also 16, you never bring girls over to family functions any more.
Being a politician is hard work.
Every Thanksgiving it is a given. Uncle Trump is going to say something racist about Obama, he dropped the n-word a couple Thanksgivings ago. Oh, he has a plan for America, too. Uncle Trump talks about how we need to deport Mexicans, much to your aunt’s disgust because she is married to Enrique (a Hispanic man she met in college, Uncle Trump took him fishing three winters ago).
He has a plan for healthcare: repeal Obamacare. He has a plan for women’s rights as well.
Last Christmas he made a scene when he told the waitress at brunch the following joke.
“Hello, I would like the caviar with extra fish semen please, Dolly, and make it pronto. Wow, you are one lovely lady. I am going to be honest I am making a pass at you. Hey you like funny guys right? Wanna hear a joke?” Uncle Donald said.
“Yes, thank you, thank very much, and being funny is good, um, sure?” Hilary, the waitress, said.
She was pretty offended. Hey, that is just Uncle Donald being Uncle Donald.
The one thing about Uncle Donald is he might be hard to hate, but you would hate for him to be in your immediate family. You might enjoy him once a year, or perhaps one election season every four years.
You would hate going anywhere with him. What terrible thing is he going to say in public? This thought turns his appeal to fear.
Now imagine Uncle Donald is your father. Even worse, your Uncle Donald, the guy who is most likely to pee with the toilet seat down, is running the country.
This is an all too real possibility. I know it is fun pretending like you are smart. I know it is funny being the person who is going to vote for Harambe, but please keep this in mind. Uncle Trump 2k16 is a possibility.
Uncle Trump is coming. He has plans; he has a goal. That goal is to embarrass you at all costs. Act stupid and say awful things along the way because that is who Uncle Trump is.