U.S. Drone Warfare Proven Effective

Dear readers,

You should know by now that I enjoy bashing on our unnamed neighbors to the north. I must commend them, however, on the remarkable service they are currently doing for our nation. These University of North Dakota graduates in Unmanned Aircraft Systems Operations are doing a fine job piloting the drones utilized by our military.

Recent reports leaked by an anonymous US official appear to indicate that up to 90 percent of casualties from a five-month campaign of drone-strikes were innocent targets. Some claim these accidental victims were even women and children. This is clearly a fabrication; however, as we know, that many of the individuals operating said drones graduated from UND.

As President Kelley himself pointed out, “No American citizens could be better suited to the task of operating remote weapons systems than those who are alumni of a school once ranked No. 1 in not studying.

In fact, the Princeton Review even ranked us No. 2 in not studying the very next year! It is obvious that our nation’s security, and the safety of noncombatants in regions the military operates, are in fantastic hands.”

Although the press conference where Kelley gave this statement was briefly interrupted by students sprinting across the stage with about seven kegs, I believe we should trust his judgment. It would be wrong of us to make assumptions about their scholarship from such an incident. Everyone knows the only reason North Dakota State outranks UND in research productivity is due to our superior football team, and this in no way reflects on their academics.

Ultimately, dear readers, we must trust in our infallible military to continue promoting peace and democracy in a safe, dependable way. And if they feel that graduates from a school that takes over six years to change their nickname are the key to victory, than we had better accept it.

Even if UND has made the Daily Caller’s list of worst universities for two years running, they really can’t be that bad. Right?

Sarcastically Yours,

Papa Jon

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