The Turf Bought Out by Herd and Horns

Disclaimer: This is totally, 100 percent fake news. It is satire written for our annual April Fool’s edition, The Rectum. It is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously.

A campus favorite drinking hole, The Turf, has been bought out by local competitor Herd and Horns.

Former Turf owner Pete Sabo said he was too pissed off with the City of Fargo postponing his projected opening date, so he just decided to sell the bar.

Sabo said other bars and Fargo entrepreneurs approached him about buying the establishment, but he only saw it fit to work with Herd and Horns as that restaurant had taken the majority of The Turf’s business anyways.

Ultimately, Sabo sold the bar for a “large, undisclosed amount of money” and first round picks in his fantasy football league’s 2017, 2018 and 2019 drafts.

Brent Tehven, owner of Herd and Horns and its new satellite location, said venturing to the new location is a really good business move as it can assist Herd and Horns in capturing the entire audience of students who live on or near the North Dakota State campus without a vehicle.

Tehven said he is surprised the opportunity to expand came swiftly, especially given Herd and Horns only opened in its Bison Block location in August of 2015. He added the price was definitely worth it, citing he can make up the draft picks by offering free drinks to fellow league members for the next year.

New amenities, old feel

The new Herd and Horns location intends on being an updated version of the “same old shithole,” which was The Turf.

Tehven said he plans on keeping the same name and same initial designs, which Sabo had laid out. The plans include making the bar a two-story facility, complete with a rooftop patio.

New fridges, furnishings, posters and tables will adorn the restaurant in exactly the same way as the original Turf was.

The only differences will be a flight of stairs leading to the upstairs dining area and patio, and a giant stuffed bison head on the wall, a Herd and Horns trademark.

Student reaction

Tehven said the NDSU class of 2020 has been “extremely positive” about the buyout. He added this year’s freshmen are generally unaware of the original Turf and its greatness, and so marketing to them is quite simple.

As for older students and NDSU alumni, Tehven said they’ll still have a desire to return to their old watering hole.

“Sure, sure, it will be under new ownership, but really it will be the same bar. You won’t even notice Herd and Horns owns the place,” Tehven said.

“Bullshit,” responded students.

Future possibility

Tehven said one huge future possibility that may occur at the Herd and Horns satellite location is the housing of KNDS, NDSU’s student-run radio station.

He said he feels bad the group is consistently shunned from campus and housing the radio station would both give KNDS a place to thrive and to increase publicity for Herd and Horns to KNDS’ increase publicity for Herd and Horns by KNDS’ 68 listeners.

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