The Stephen Hawking Diet

opinion

I never claimed to be a smart man. Not even a week ago I woke up to a silent room because my brain replaced the sound of a firetruck’s siren with that of my roommates alarm clock.

It doesn’t change the fact that I love science, but not all realms of science are equal. Astrophysicists detected gravitational waves from colliding black holes because a tiny bit of a 4 km laser didn’t collide with a tiny bit of another 4 km laser.

Nutritionists can’t decide if eggs are good for you. It makes sense that the best nutritionist is also an astrophysicist: Stephen Hawking.

He hasn’t put on a pound in years and it’s not like he’s jogging. That’s why I credit my utter hunkiness to the Stephen Hawking Diet. It’s easier than you think. In fact, you’re probably already doing it! To guide you along, however, here are some simple steps:

Step 1: Don’t talk to anyone except through technology. If the bulk of your friendships revolve around things like Facebook, Snapchat and Skype, you’re already on the right track! Science has found that isolating yourself tears down your physical shell of fat, presumably to help build an emotional one.

Step 2: Sit in a chair all day. My fellow nerds have a leg up on this one. Contrary to popular belief, exercise makes your body think it needs more energy than it does, causing it to store more as fat. Conserving your calories makes it clear that you don’t need much energy and your body will respond appropriately.

Step 3: Photosynthesis. I can’t actually confirm he does this, but I could see it. It makes sense, right? None of that fatty food, just healthy, lean sunlight. If you need some help there appears to be some great instructional videos put out by Nickelodeon.

Step 4: Do plenty of math. As any engineering major can tell you, having a caffeine IV drip to stay up late finishing a single assignment that will boil down to half a question on the test will make you feel empty inside. Replacing all that useless pride and happiness with self-loathing will easily trim 15 pounds in time for swim suit season.

We live in an amazing time. A time of social revolution. A time of politics straight from an episode of “The Real Housewives of Wherever-the-Hell.” But more than anything, a time of science. All one has to do to be a part of it is embrace the studious research and ineffable logic our greatest minds have to offer. Or get a Fitbit.

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