The Spectrum’s Hangover Remedies

opinion

Another Homecoming has come and went, and it is that time of year again: time to find the best hangover remedies for your achy head and poisoned body. So why not let The Spectrum try to heal your body?

Invent time travel and just avoid this whole matter

The year is 2017: we don’t have flying cars, but Trump is president and I guess anything can happen. Screw it, we are gonna try something here.

What if you invented time travel last semester in one of your freshman science courses? There is your key, my friend.

After you wake up and realize how bad you screwed up, it’s time to go and change the past. Walk down the hallway to you time travel room and plug in those time travel coordinates, pal.

Remember, you will not be able to take the place of your past self, rather you will only be able to make minor changes that will stop your awful decisions. Results may vary. Don’t talk to yourself and don’t kill any butterflies.

Sleep it off

You wake up, and your head hurts. Perhaps it’s Monday and you have class at 8 a.m. and guess what, f*** it. Look here champ, you have gotten yourself into a real pickle.

Look, going to class is great for your participation, even for your understanding of the class, but you going to class and literally feeling like hell just isn’t worth it. If you miss one class a year due to a hangover, you are doing just fine.

Pedialyte or Gatorade

According to our own Sam Caspers, you cannot go wrong with Pedialyte.

“Crack one of those before, during or right after your binge and it’ll help. It’s basically like Gatorade for old people and little kids, but it’s a lifesaver for boozing.”

The main issue with hangovers is dehydration, and Pedialyte is all about rehydrating your achy body. According to their website, it seems like they know the deal.

“Food poisoning, a couple of cocktails, heat …” They know what their product is being used for. Just pop one of those bottles and you’re ready to go, my friend.

Greasy food

Our Editor-In-Chief has been handed down this hangover remedy as old as time.

“McDonald’s is a lifesaver.”

That’s right, greasy food. Get your butt to a fast food joint of your liking and just grab something nice. I would suggest Taco Bell, and they don’t even sponsor The Spectrum. I just think they produce a fine product. French fries are essential, so make sure to get the fries your heart desires.

Chocolate milk

Our Features Editor, Miranda Stambler, suggests chocolate milk. Grab yourself a tall glass and drink it down, you beautiful human. It could only be better if your mother was mixing the chocolate syrup for you. Consider perhaps calling your mother too.

Flush it out

If you wake up in the morning and your head is banging, my personal remedy is to drink literally as much water as you can get in you. Don’t make yourself throw up, though. Try to have a piece of toast or something low in sugar. Remember, sugar is the enemy; fiber and water are your friends.

Flush out your body, but also flush out your mind. There is no way, my friend, you are going to get any homework done. Sit your ass down and just watch some stupid television. I would suggest perhaps watching some “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or perhaps “Workaholics.”

In conclusion

A good choice is to also not drink in excess, but I am not your mother. We are college students and excess is our existence. An excessive amount of homework, an excessive amount of work, so perhaps you need an excess of poison. Who am I to tell you differently? Just make sure to be safe and take these suggestions as a cure for your next day after.

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