The Pay-Per-View Event of the Century

Our country is plagued by conflict. The most notable is the Twitter war between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. In a fashion unthinkable 10 years ago, the former vice president and the current president have been arguing over who would win in a fight. It’s a classic bout of “my dad could beat up your dad,” in the sense that it’s a macho exchange that doesn’t matter because it will never happen.

Or will it?

Forget Mayweather versus McGregor. Put Trump and Biden in the octagon and let them settle things the way our ancestors did: fists, kicks and plenty of trash talk. Charge $29.99 for pay-per-view.

Seeing as there is something like 330 million Americans, let’s say 1/1,000 are criminally insane and therefore would not watch, and that an average viewing party has five cheap bastards. That’s 6,534,000 TVs watching two men put each other in a marginally early grave. That’ll get a sweet $195,954,660.

Do you want a sweet wall? Old Man Octogan. Do you want affordable health care? Old Man Octagon. Do you want to take care of veterans? Old. Man. Octagon. Climbing out of debt, saving the old, saving the young, saving the not so young but no old, making sure Oliver Twist may have some more, it can all be done by getting two politicians off Twitter. Make them put their money where their mouth is and then into the pockets of the American people.

Think of all the good that could be done by getting two geezers to gut each other. More than that, there is a bigger picture. Sure, we all care about starving orphans (and well-fed orphans for that matter), but it’s important to note the precedent set. If we can pressure these two into fighting for the betterment of our country, who else? Who else can we get to fight for charity? Mike Pence and Bernie Sanders? Tom Brady and Nick Foles? The actors who played Qui-Gon Jinn and Darth Maul? Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog?

There are limitless possibilities to this idea. It all starts here though. Biden, Trump, if by some miracle you are checking the opinion section of a random college’s newspaper, the challenge is set. Do it for us. Do it for America. Do it because it would be pretty funny.

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