Straight Talk with the Love Doctor

I want to pursue a relationship with my coffee, but I am not sure where to begin. I just don’t know what to do because this sort of thing is not really my cup of tea. PLEASE HELP!

Dear All Caps,

Firstly, I can’t tell if you don’t like tea or if that is just a figure of speech.

Secondly, I personally find a relationship with an inanimate object to be extremely unsatisfying.

That’s a deal breaker ladies. Shut it down.

How do I tell if the boy of my dreamz likes me back???????

Dear Read a Dictionary,

You just gotta ask. Like, we do not have any time for these mind games. We are all gonna die.

IBRAHIM ASAD | Photo Courtesy Follow this advice and that could be you on the beach drinking wine.

Just say you like him, straight up, the cold hard truth, the undeniable facts.

Don’t micro-analyze his prolonged eye contact with you or read into his excessive use of the coffin emoji in everyday conversation.

Even if he doesn’t like you back, he probably thinks you’re a semi-decent human being at least.

And if it is me, @ me next time. 😉

Which “adult” store is the best in Fargo? 

Dear Capitalism’s Willing Slave,

Best is a pretty subjective term, so I’ll just tell you a little bit about my personal favorite adult stores in Fargo. I remember my parents going to stores without me but now I can go too. Since I’ve become a legal adult, one of my favorite stores to visit is Home Depot.

If you’re looking for an adult store, it doesn’t get more adult than Home Depot.

But don’t worry, Home Depot has your kinky fix too. You know that hose you have that is always kinking up. The Home Depot has got your neck and your back.

I’ve only been dating someone for a lil’ while but she wants to do something for Valentine’s Day. What should we do that’s still low key?

Dear Up to Date on the Lingo,

The age-old predicament, I think we all can relate to this situation. Now you have got a tough decision to make.

My opinion is that you just gotta go through with this. She wants to go out on Valentine’s Day practically means that she’s ready for marriage.

Say goodbye to your old life and say hello to monogamy. It’s a done deal.

Sucks 2 suck.

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