Sorry Science, Meet My Soap

PHOTO COURTESY | FLICKR.COM Creamy cucumber folks, everything else might as well be rubbing alcohol.

In this column, we specialize in one thing: being generally unprepared for life. You find something interesting when you live life like you’re deaf in a record store. The more you act like the rules don’t apply, sometimes the rules don’t actually apply. Just look at one of those fancy laws science guys are always tossing around. This one is the “Law of Conservation of Mass” and was created by someone who has clearly never used a soap bottle. If you grew up in a house like mine or live in an apartment like mine or have low standards for your own state of existence like I do, you may know what I’m talking about.

For true skimmers, scrapers and all around savers, you don’t refill your soap bottle until you can no longer beat it like it owes you money and get a usable amount of soap. Pumping at about eight pumps per second (PPS), with increasing force and persistence as the empty bottle somehow gets emptier, will result in roughly two pea-sized drops of pure clean soap. The amazing thing about this process is that the empty bottle will generally last as long as the rest of the bottle, effectively creating more soap. This concept applies to toothpaste, shampoo, really all things squeezable.

My only theory for why this works is that the condensed soap cleans a hole to a universe where, in the infinity of time and space, there is exactly one Grant responsible enough to refill his soap bottle for the entire multiverse of lazy me’s. That or I treat the rest of the bottle like there’s gold at the bottom and drain it faster than a fat kid on milkshake day. I’m gonna go with the one that puts the least blame on me personally.

So smart physics men, next time you want to go around spreading your damn learning books, I’ll ask you to balance a trip to Walmart against having a pump-shaped red mark on the palm of your hand. Maybe then you can do some real-world learning. It’s time we stopped taking these dang scientists at their word and start drawing conclusions based on our personal experiences. Stop throwing data at me, and let me trust that there is no issue with my soap because I am not dead yet. For further questions, refer to my new documentary: “A Convenient Truth.”

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