Today I have the singular pleasure of bringing you my favorite kind of story: a tale of redemption. A redemption so pure and whole that we all become better simply by hearing about it. I am speaking, of course, about the remarkable transformation of Bernie Sanders.
Sanders, a presidential hopeful for the Democratic nomination, has been both revered and despised for his strong support of democratic socialism. He is considered by many to be one of the most successful far-left candidates in American history. Recently, however, he issued a surprising press release.
“As I slept in my one-room, communal apartment, my usual dreams of seizing the means of production were interrupted. A man descended from the heavens in a beam of light. He spoke with a voice that was strong as thunder and sweet as honey. He spoke to me of a wonderful world. A world in which wealth runs like water down from the chosen prophets of profit down to the weak, broken people below. I know now that America can only be saved through him.”
Promptly after issuing the above, Sanders moved out of his commune and immediately invested heavily in the stock market. With the quick profit he immediately made, he purchased a mansion and yacht.
“This really isn’t any different than what I was doing before,” Sanders remarked. “The upkeep on my estates and vehicles employs many people. And their close proximity to such trappings of wealth is pretty darn close to me sharing my privileges with them! I like to think that Ron is looking down on me and smiling every time one of my laborers trims a hedge just the right way.”
Sanders’ campaign team is devastated. The interns previously making $10 an hour have reportedly cried their entire commutes to and from their current $8.25 gigs. Although multiple eyewitnesses report that these poor collegians have grabbed their bootstraps with both hands, they appear unwilling to pull themselves up. We can only hope that they too come to accept Ronald Reagan into their hearts, and work a little harder if they want to get ahead.