As the final days of spring semester come to a close, students who were smart enough not to take summer classes are looking ahead to their summers. The majority of us are running home to the shelter of our parent’s basements for cheap housing and a supply of food that does not include macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles. Many students will be returning home to summer jobs and internships as well; however, they are not the only ones with summer jobs.
A number of university officials have disclosed they will be taking summer jobs at home, too – most notable of these is President Dean Bresciani. He will be returning home to Napa Valley, in the sunny state of California, to his summer job of being a local pool lifeguard.
Claiming that while he loves North Dakota State and the Bison, his biggest regret living here is the fact that the best tan he gets all year is from the tanning bulb he installed in his office light fixture.
Bresciani also described that while he has had an extensive academic career, and one to be proud of, nothing is as rewarding as teaching swimming lessons to the local youth.
“The feeling you get inside the first time the defiant, crying kids tread water successfully is really something, man,” Bresciani said. He went on to say while he doesn’t make much in wages, he really just saves it for beer money throughout the school year, saying “you can really stretch a lifeguard’s salary with the Turf’s mug night”.
It has been a stressful year for administrators across the state; UND student government went as far as to bring a vote of no confidence in their administration this spring. The craziness has drawn the creators of the somehow popular soap opera “Days of our Lives” to UND, interested in finding their next pathetic television series.
Bresciani has had a difficult year as well, suffering from the retirement of Prakash Mathew and wanting a fifth championship football trophy but having to wait an entire year for it. Those close to the president say he has been spending all of his time counting down the days until the end of finals so he can go back to the job he truly loves, yelling at kids who are running around the pool.
“It is the job Dean was meant to serve, he even has his swim trunks dry cleaned and pressed,” his office secretary stated.
Word of Bresciani’s talents have not gone unnoticed either; student government has taken an interest in his ability.
“If the Aquatic Center actually ever gets built, we would be interested in hiring Dean as a part-time life guard,” said newly elected Vice President Josh Fergal. “We don’t want to lead Dean on though because, let’s face it, that Aquatic Center may never be built in our lifetime, but if it is, there will be a lifeguard stand waiting for him.”
Bresciani has been slowly moving out of his home on campus and started taking things home in preparation for his relaxing summer. There have been rumors that the homeless members of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity have begun to congregate outside his house, in an attempt to live there this summer.
A group of DTD members who wished to remain anonymous said while they are used to better, the multi-million dollar property with Brazilian cherry wood flooring will “just have to do for now.”
Dean is expected to be back right before the end of the summer, likely with a Californian girlfriend, and sporting a solid tan.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire, if you did not laugh now is the time to start.