Post-Graduation Gratification

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Think of all the things that come once you’ve topped off college.

Let me share with you two real sentences that were spoken this month.

Someone with a real income: “I don’t want to cook tonight. Want to check out that new sushi place?”

Me: “I wonder if I can put peanut butter in ramen?”

These are two very different stations in life. Whenever you stop judging my low standards of living, I hope you can relate to the point. Being in college makes me look at the “real world” with a shimmer in my eye and, for some reason, a really bad stomachache. I find the closer I get to graduation, the more my classmates and I come up with the most mundane life goals.

Some people just want to put down roots. I get it. There are a lot of plans that center on having a place to call your own. Take pets for example. A lot of people can make it work, but then you meet that person who wants 16 dogs, four cats and a parrot that can learn “Shut up already!” A college apartment is not gonna fly.


You want something where I need to look up the recipe? I’m a toddler with a wooden spoon and smoker’s hands.


It’s also hard to just have things when you have no space and know you’re moving in a year or two. If I bought a boat right now and my dad went, “I don’t have room for that,” I’d have one course of action. Park it on campus and move it every half hour until I graduate. At least it would up my tailgating game.

As you may have guessed, my goals are food related. I’m not trying to deny it: I am no chef. You want a chicken breast? Boom, I’m your guy. Easy peasy, see you next Tuesday. No problem. You want something where I need to look up the recipe? I’m a toddler with a wooden spoon and smoker’s hands. Don’t worry, I don’t smoke; I just drink dangerous amounts of coffee.

I just want to be able to afford good food. That’s why once a month I want to be able to afford a $100 meal. No more scrimping and saving than usual, just being comfortable enough financially that I can blow $100 on a good evening. I will be content.

So as you’re going through your day-to-day, getting ready for finals, contemplating faking your own death before finals, think of some dumb goals for yourself. What little things do you want out of life? You know, or don’t. You can get a better guru than the guy putting peanut butter in ramen.

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