Performers Take Over Memorial Union

Lady Pancakes will be performing at sometime, somewhere to be determined on campus for meal passes.

The Memorial Union has recently become a center for performers as millennial college students try to find a way to be debt free during college.

Sideshow performers have started to sell their talents and skills in an effort to afford the ever-increasing cost of breathing.

“My parents keep bragging about owning a house at 25,” Lady Pancakes, a senior majoring in mechanical engineering, has recently been supplementing his income by playing guitar.

Tragically, the audience doesn’t carry much money and also doesn’t have much money. Still, performers have been putting their best foot forward.

Another performer, Tequila Mockingbird, a local amateur magician, has been giving shows for the past few weeks in attempts to make enough money for McDonald’s McPick 2 menu.

“Let me get a McPick 2, badah ba ba dah,” Mockingbird told us that he has made three whole dollars doing his shows for the past few weeks.

Tequila Mockingbird will be appearing and disappearing periodically around campus.

Mockingbird also elaborated on his talents saying, “I have been a magician since birth; it’s something I live and breathe. Honestly, I question sometimes if I am actually a wizard.”

Pancakes has been performing guitar and other musical instruments for the past few weeks just hoping for any change or meal plan passes.

“I will literally play ‘Wonderwall’ for a loaf of Wonder Bread.” Pancakes, who has mastered five whole chords on guitar, has been playing guitar for over seven months.

“I have a talent and I want to share it with the world. I take most of my influence from Sublime, and I have a couple Nirvana shirts too somewhere.” Pancakes revealed he had finally saved up enough money to buy a poster from the bookstore.

These performers have also caught the eye of the Memorial Union, forcing them to issue a statement on their presence.

“The Memorial Union would like to encourage all students to not feed the performers. They have not obtained their proper paperwork to hold any space in the union. Their presence not only affects the productivity of other students, but we have also discovered that most of them hold subpar talents; we have heard ‘Smoke on the Water’ 17 times today.”

This statement caught the performers we met with by surprise.

“I only really know five songs, to be honest,” Pancakes admits he is not as gifted as other guitar players. “Jimi Hendrix is a little bit better than me.”

Some may point to controversial topics like the minimum wage or perhaps a lack of motivation for this current generation. Others, like this reporter, won’t bore you with that.

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