Panama Papers, Tax Havens, Delaware, Oh My!

FLICKR.COM Pictures of Money PHOTO COURTESY | Money, one of the best Pink Floyd songs, and also what runs our world.
Money, one of the best Pink Floyd songs, and also what runs our world.

I would like to say, “Hey chap, look who would have thunk. We were all duped.” This followed by an amazing/fatherly pat on the back that would bring about a smile on your saddened and depressed face.

The Panama Papers opened up our eyes to corruption within politics all around the world.

It is hard to be surprised though. I mean come on; rich people want to be richer? Geez, next thing you are going to tell me is that peanut butter goes amazing with jam (strawberry jam of course; grape jelly is for imbeciles), or that college students enjoy drinking large quantities of alcohol on any given day of the week.

You’re s­–tting me.

Well I try to grasp the idea of the previous statements like a 4-year-old bewildered by the square piece not fitting into the round hole. I must seethe in anger.

Taxes are important. Yes, they suck. Nobody really wants to pay for the blasted DMV, but hey, it’s our civic duty, comrades. It is through this necessary evil that we enjoy such luxuries as employees who hold sign at construction sites, and of course the wall being built around Justin Bieber.

What this actually is, at its very root, is tax dodging. Granted, Americans have been rather sparse on this list, but I will provide a counter example.

Look up 1209 North Orange Street, Delaware. In the off chance that you didn’t, I will fill you in. This address is the headquarters of more than 285,000 companies, including Google, American Airlines, Coca-Cola, Apple, GM and the list continues.

This is tax evasion. Delaware offers very low taxes for business, which is why they have more Shell Companies than people. Like people who didn’t wear deodorant in the ‘60s who avoided the Vietnam War, and people who are voting for Trump avoid books and learning in general, these companies are avoiding paying their fair share in taxes, like you and me.

You, the average America, should be upset right now. Put down your fried butter on a stick, and listen here: We are being duped.

Our national minimum wage is $7.25, we have bridges collapsing out from under us, and we have to deal with a healthcare system that is broken and overpriced. Yet anything other than the usual norm is casted as “progressive, liberal, Millennial, babies who are crying over everything.”

Why don’t we go get jobs, we are all body-odor riddled hippies who haven’t worked a blasted day of our life. Make America Great Again, mom, there are too many Mexicans in my American stew, and my hands are not small thank you very much.

Why not have these businesses actually pay their fair share? Your parents don’t file their earnings in the Panama of the North (Delaware), so why can big giant companies?

Look, maybe I have been a little rough on the rich. I get it, ya filthy rich people. I have been rude. I haven’t even thought about your needs. I can empathize, I have no idea how it feels, but being rich, but not being richer than your fat cat friends, it must be hard. You must feel like a teenage girl not being asked to prom. Gosh, how could we be so insensitive?

I sympathize, and because of that I will dedicate the rest of my life to the progress of business friendly policy. Let’s make the minimum wage $4.00 and hour, take away workers’ rights and allow GE and other companies to finally not pay taxes at all. Ah, we have set it right, big business is our friend, and without them we are nothing. So come on brothers and sisters and lets sing in unison:

“I see dollars of green, red deductions, too
I see profits blooming for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful tax haven?”

Leave a Reply