Obama Addresses Sleeping Habits of NDSU Students

opinion

Good news today for many North Dakota State students as President Barack Obama’s administration has changed the definition of a “full night’s sleep” in a landmark legislative move involving both sides of the aisle.

President Obama spoke during halftime of the last football game, “My fellow Americans, my fellow Bison. I come to you today with an issue. This issue is simply this: Our nation’s young men, women and UND students, are simply not getting enough sleep.”

The Obama Administration rolled out the new legislation Sept. 9, days after that speech. The new legislation formally called ObamaZZZ aims to revitalize the nation’s college population through sleep.

It comes to no one’s surprise that this move came just weeks after the first round of exams here at NDSU. The engineering, nursing and physics programs are all declaring states of emergency due in part to lack of sleep and lack of coffee for their IVs.

When asked to comment, Republican candidate Donald Trump said, “Personally I support Obama on this one. Geez, the guy has a point, and I’ll tell you in business you need two things: a good head, sleep and of course a winning attitude.” He later commented for several minutes about how much he loves the winning atmosphere UND offers.

This national attention comes just days after a startling poll at the Memorial Union found about three quarters of NDSU students were unable to define what a “full night’s sleep” actually was.

When asked Billy Bison, a sophomore in the mechanical engineering program, revealed to one reporter, “A full nights sleep? No I don’t know what that is. Usually I feel guilty sleeping because, you know, I could be using that time on homework.”

After his interview Billy Bison went and grabbed three coffees, an energy drink and a granola bar.

The change to the definition lowers the requirements for a full night’s sleep. Luckily for Billy Bison, a full night’s sleep is no longer considered between 7.5 and 9 hours of sleep.

Rather now, the World Health Organization defines a full night’s sleep as the following: “A full night’s sleep is defined as being any rest over two hours. Anything under can be offset by the following relation, two cups of caffeinated beverage to every hour under six.”

When made aware of the changes to the definition, Billy Bison said, “Wow that means I’ve never lost a full night of sleep here at NDSU.”

Local professor Jenly Dacobsen commented, “You know the chemistry behind sleep is fascinating.” He went on for several minutes describing the shapes of the molecules and how to measure sleep. When told about the changes he was rather surprised.

“I am surprised they will have so much more free time. More homework and exams are obviously in order.”

Obama later stated on the steps of Old Main, “NDSU is truly my favorite college in the nation.” Pause for applause. “I truly feel the student focus, the land grant and I feel inclined to research.

“I also feel a better NDSU on the horizon. I feel an NDSU that has more ‘full nights’ of sleep. I feel an NDSU which is healthier. Michelle, Malia, Sasha, myself and of course Bo look forward to visiting NDSU in the future and resting it up with you all.” Pause for applause. “Go Bison.”

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