No, I Will Not Cheer for the Eagles

Look here, I’m going to be frank, f*** the Eagles. With or without our golden boy, Carson Wentz, I will proudly hate the Eagles for ruining arguably our best chance at adding a Super Bowl for the Vikings, in Minneapolis of all places.

History was ruined and now you guys want to jump ship? Excuse me?

The Eagles completely killed the Vikings. I get it, this article is, chemically speaking, 90 percent saltiness. That still doesn’t take away from the anger that is generations of disappointment and heartbreak at the hands of the men in purple.

Listen here; you cannot jump ship from the Vikings to the Eagles bandwagon just because of one player. Do alliances and loyalty mean nothing to you?

Wentz is super nice and his best attribute is possibly his beautiful white Christian smile and golden retriever. Even that isn’t enough for me.

We Vikings fans have endured decades of disappointment. While Eagles fans have had their own share of disappointment, they deserve all of the bad. They booed Donovan McNabb when he was drafted. They screamed, “F*ck Millie,” toward a 99-year-old Vikings fan who simply wanted to watch a playoff game when her team was relevant. What a classless fan base. Do you honestly want to be associated with that? What would your grandmother think?

How dare you Philadelphia. I hope you choke on a cheesesteak sandwich, and I hope Nick Foles literally has the worst game of this career. I pray that both he and Tom Brady play so badly that they call the game and no one wins the game.

What have Vikings fans done, hmm? We cheered when we drafted Christian Ponder; we donate to losing teams’ charities and dammit, we have hot dish in this state. We deserved the Super Bowl.

While the Eagles and the Patriots square off in the big game, I have an idea: get the heck out of Minneapolis don’tcha know? This is our town, and your smug ass isn’t allowed. Uff da, someone get me a beer.

While I pray for the immediate cancellation of the Super Bowl, I understand that is a long shot. Tom Brady will most likely win another ring while the Eagles fans will mostly get rip-roarin’ drunk and scream obscenities at Minnesota toddlers.

Carson, I know you wanted the Vikings to win and I know you have an old Moss jersey in your closet. I know it hurt you almost as much as it hurts me to write against a good Midwesterner like yourself, but understand I have alliances that not even the most heartbreaking season can ruin.

Because I’m a Vikings fan who is emotional. I guess I will watch the Super Bowl for stupid commercials this year.

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