Neckties: The Lazy Scarf

PHOTO COURTESY Brian Johnson | The man's leash claims another victim.
PHOTO COURTESY | Brian Johnson 
The man’s leash claims another victim.

Humans do a lot of weird stuff and call it socially acceptable. Some of this stuff, like child beauty pageants and blaming teachers for your turd of a child cutting off a girl’s pony tail, slips through the cracks.

The most overlooked example, I feel, is that we have to wear ties to be professional. When you think about it, it’s just a weird garment altogether. You may also be thinking that I’m making a big deal over nothing. Well … I mean, you’re right, but you also seem to be under the assumption that the “Opinions” section includes your own. I assure you it does not.

Now let me explain to you why you’re not wearing one to your next interview. I won’t either of course, that’d give me an unfair advantage. You can trust me guys.

So clothing in general is pretty weird, but for the most part you can probably just chalk it up to some kind of a mating deal. Whoever can make themselves stand out from the crowd, without making the crowd feel like maybe there may be some better spot to be a crowd, is more likely to get a date.

Neckties, however, are also necessary as business attire. Not only that, but if you wear them with a suit, they go under the jacket. You are wearing it to cover it up. You’re not even really wearing it in the sense you wear most things. It’s just a piece of colored cloth that drapes down your chest, doing nothing to cover or warm you.

As a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy, I am a strong proponent of comfort. Neckties are the antithesis of comfort. Their sole purpose as a piece of clothing is to gently choke you. Sure you can wear them loosely, but it’s less professional. No, if you want to make it in the world that knot better be tighter salt water taffy’s grasp on my wallet (I should not live across the street from a gas station).

It’s almost like some weird competition to see who can choke themselves the hardest and carry on like everything’s normal, which is frankly more uncomfortable in a whole different sense.

Personally, I just don’t understand why they’ve become a thing. There’s no plus side, it’s just a lazy scarf.

Next time you go to a job interview, I suggest you fight the system and don’t wear a tie. Don’t wear any dress clothes if you feel up to it. I promise I’ll do the same. I would never try to abuse my position as a writer to sabotage the interviews of other potential candidates. That would be unethical.

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