Startling news out of North Dakota State today. In an exclusive Spectrum release, it has been made public that a new policy aimed at the new “peeing in the pool ritual” will be implemented immediately.
President Dean Bresciani commented on this hot button topic last Monday.
“NDSU students are currently expected to pee in the at least one of the new pools. This however is not a safe practice. Rather it is a practice of disastrous pH proportions,” Bresciani said.
It came to no surprise today, when a 550-page bill was released on the steps of the Union today.
While peeing in pools is documented as being about as safe as petting an alligator, Bresciani, who is now the appointed Pool Noodle King, feels it necessary to set punishments.
“Any student caught peeing in the pools will have to do a minimum of three belly flops,” the Pool Noodle King stated. “While this punishment is harsh, so is the feeling of warmth while swimming next to you.”
While the bill sets many guidelines about proper peeing etiquette at the Wellness Center, it also outlines multiple punishments.
These punishments range from the belly flop rule to the harsher banishment rule, which involves living in Grand Forks for an entire week.
When asked whether he thought the punishments were harsh the Pool Noodle King commented, “Not as harsh as human pee turning a dark blue in the pool.” Adding quickly that this was “definitely not an urban legend.”
While NDSU students have been both warned and punishments set, some still find it necessary to pee in the pools at the new aquatic center.
“Peeing is one of the most freeing feelings I have ever felt.” Margret Horn said of the new passage.
While she says she hasn’t personally done the right of passage herself, Horn commented, “It seems like a logical thing to do.”
Horn, a previous “Bernie Gal” thinks peeing is simply a “Bison given right.”
The previous Democratic-Socialist sees the inclusion of such a “vegan event,” as “breathtaking” and that she “for sure” plans on “christening the new pool in the only proper way.”
Commenting on the new bill, Horn said, “Laws are socially constricting, let the people be. Legalize, don’t pee-nalize.”
While the proponents of the new practice are easy to find, very few are willing to go on record.
A sophomore in the mechanical engineering department stated last Thursday, “please don’t put this in the paper, but I already have peed in the pool five times in honor of our five national championships.” Billy Bison later said, “Go Bison.”
At the time, it is not known whether the Pool Noodle King knew of the entire wording in the new bill given the length, but NDSU will go through following the new law of the land.
“Here at NDSU we strive to meet the needs of our students. I am a huge fan of tradition, when it is done in a safe, pH friendly manner.” The Pool Noodle King said. “Go Bison, in the urinal, not in the pool.”