Millennials Killing NDSU

the rectum

As the millennial generation erases industries and products, their murderous tendencies have begun to creep into North Dakota State.

From chain restaurants like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s to napkins, serial millennials have been on a spree to take down society as we know it to redesign it in their image. Now, NDSU is under threat from the same generation that is more socially and politically conscious and puts more value into experience-based spending over physical purchases.

“Money. All the school does is ask you to pay, pay, pay. And what do we get in return? A college degree that may or may not be worth anything,” said Ima Faeling, junior in political science. “It’s time that our generation brings a definitive end to expensive education, and why not start with NDSU?”

An administrator at NDSU said the school has seen a sharp decline in donations as older and wealthier generations begin to die off, and millennial alumni refuse to voluntarily hand over their hard-earned money, opting instead for a 401(k) or a savings account for their children.

“The millennials grew up during a period of less financial stability and they still have memories of growing up during the recession,” said Jack Ashton, an NDSU alumni and self-declared ‘snowflake’ who can be found leading ‘smartphone meditation’ sessions in downtown Fargo.

“We are not just bank accounts — we are people. NDSU is a school, not a business. I’ve already spent thousands to get in and out from that place. They’re not gonna have another dime just so they can build another sports center,” Ashton said.

However, alumni are not the only ones nailing down the coffin for NDSU, millennials are simply trading in the big box retailers of universities for smaller and more personal technical and community colleges, or choosing not to go at all.

Exploding student loan debt and a less-than-ideal job market are contributing factors in keeping students away from large and expensive universities, with 100 percent of current students saying they would rather have money than be broke. If students have to pay for an education, they are more likely to be broke than have money, therefore students don’t want an education or at least don’t want to be broke for it.

Milo Fasch, senior in agribusiness and president of Make NDSU Great Again, said, “NDSU has become a breeding ground of unrest. Us millennials are pissed because we want common sense in education costs, and all we get from NDSU is stupidity.”

“Fake news like The Spectrum with their liberal bias and corrupt officials in Student Government and the administration refuses to address this issue: millennials are on a killing spree and NDSU is next. It’s time to drain the campus and bring an end to the university,” Fasch said.

The university refused to comment on the impending threat, stating that administration officials need “time to consider and discuss such existential situations.”

The trend has found its way into a formal movement, by students and non-students alike, as millennials work to bring an end to NDSU. To follow the movement, visit @ENDsu.

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