How to Water a Car

GRANT GLOE | THE SPECTRUM
My friend’s car post repair. You can barely even tell it was ever hit.

Accidents happen. Exhibit A is about two inches above this text. It is also an example of how from accidents come opportunity. You just have to know how to handle them. Teaching you how to get rid of this accident, however, is really not in my self-interest. Gotta fill some space though, so how about we talk about a different kind of accident: car accidents. They happen. Nobody likes them, nobody wants them, but they happen. If you do end up with a nice dent in your bumper though, let me tell you how to grow a new bumper in four easy steps.

Step 1:

Plenty of Sunlight. You need to get the car in a nice sunny location where you’ve got good access to your “acci-dent.” You want some room as not to smother the poor thing.

Step 2:

Plenty of water. You’ve really got to make sure your car is well hydrated. A nice pot of boiling water will make a crappy car a happy car. Just make sure you cover the whole rump bump to make sure it can grow big and strong.

Step 3:

Positive energy. The car needs to know you want it to be healthy. They’re very intuitive and will know if it’s being mistreated. This can lead to problems down the road, as many accidents are caused by angry drivers.

Step 4:

A little bit of gumption. You’re in this with the car. Take off a light if you need to and get behind that killer crumple and push. Push like you mean it, and push like the car means it. Hammer it if you need to, just really give it the business. With the right encouragement, the bumper should grow out and look good as new.

Well, folks, now if you run into a little automobile mess, you can heal your car’s hump with a little bit of passion and next to no know how. Your car is always working to be the best car it can be. The least you can do is give it some care and attention to help it grow up strong.

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