How to safely hook up in a pandemic

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It’s going to happen either way, at least be safe about it.

Keeping it sanitary even when things get dirty

This is college and sex happens. No need to dance around it. Aside from taking classes and partying, hooking up is the third staple of college life that our childhood movies prepared us for. At the same time, coronavirus is still a thing. You don’t have to give up on getting down, but you certainly don’t have to throw precaution out the window.

Instead, try some pandemic-safe methods. One of the best resources at your disposal is the internet. Zoom, the scourge of an online student’s existence, is a lot more exciting when you’re using it for a date. Use your phone to capture your face and screen-share your laptop to watch a movie and bam: you have yourself the classic movie-theater first date.

True, you won’t have any of the awkward, “Will they hold my hand” nonsense, but you’ll have something even better: you can watch their expressions throughout the entire movie without being obvious. Creepy? A little. Helpful while showing off a beloved favorite movie? Absolutely.

Movie nights might still not cut it. Well, getting intimate through technology is easier than ever. Texts and facetime calls on certain topics can definitely add a little interest to your isolation. 

Sometimes the anticipation of meeting can be more fun than actually doing it. Plus, you avoid a graceless walk of shame. Not to mention you get to sleep in your bed by yourself. Just remember folks, pictures last forever, so be careful.

Once you feel comfortable enough with a person to know they’re not hitting bars every night or someone who thinks coronavirus is no worse than the flu, try a socially distanced date. Now is the season for pumpkin patches and apple picking, there is truly no better time for hanging out from six feet away. 

You can’t touch? That’s fine. No sweaty palm holding, no cringey open-mouthed first kisses. Just cozy fall vibes. 

Now, if you really can’t help yourself and you feel you must see them in person (among other things), you can get creative. First, ask for test results. You should be asking for a different kind of test result whenever you spend time with someone new, but now you can make sure they’ve recently tested negative for coronavirus too. 

Plan a ‘pre-date.’ NDSU offers free testing once or twice a week. Added bonus, they’re offering a chance to win a $250 gift card to those who get tested. Chat while you stand in line.

If they’re not willing to get tested or take the time to prove they’re invested, why even bother? Someone who is not willing to put in the effort by getting tested won’t be likely to put in the effort where it counts, if you catch my drift.

So, the time has come, test results presented, consent given, there’s still more you can do. Try some safer positions. There’s no need for kissing, mouth to mouth is best avoided. You could both face the same direction, I heard a rumor that doggy-style is the new kissing. 

Are you worried wearing masks is too much? Of course it’s not, make it part of the whole deal, role-play or something you little weirdo. Who cares about how you keep safe in your own home?

Maybe making the effort of meeting someone new during all this is too much. Just go solo. Who needs anyone else when you have you, yourself and you again? If you want to spice things up, the internet is a vast and terrifyingly wonderful place. I’m just saying, a dildo won’t give you coronavirus. 

No one should do anything they’re not comfortable with, but the truth is, college students are going to hook up in a pandemic, whether you want them to or not. Just be safe, in more ways than one, always get consent and happy relations, you crazy kids!

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