Finals Week Horoscopes

When it comes to finals, we’re all suffering.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Get ready to bald with the stress of the coming weeks. We all know you’re stubborn, but that won’t help you ace your finals. Just because you insist upon staying up to all hours studying doesn’t mean your brain will retain any of the information you’re studying, unless you get some sleep. Start fueling your body, Aries, or else you’ll never keep your flattering figure intact. You’re going to need to take a break to eat, sleep and get your steps in. On one hand, you may be doing marginally less studying; on the other, if you’re killing yourself studying, you’ll probably just fall asleep during the exam and fail it anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Hey there, Taurus. We all know you feel like you’re constantly treading water in a sea of responsibilities and problematic interpersonal relationships, but rest assured that this too shall pass. Although you’ve gone through a lot of stress and you may even begin to feel like it’s just not worth it, you are so close to the end. Push through and then you can take a breather. Graduating is the goal, and if you quit, you can’t graduate. So no matter how tempting dropping out may be, don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’ve been moody lately, Gemini, and maybe that has to do with all the stress of the past few weeks or the semester drawing to a close, but try to get some you time in, as you are desperately in need of it. Take a day off work, a day where you have no school or tests, and take the day to do everything that makes you happy (within reason; don’t go smoking a crack pipe just because it feels good). Try to get some sleep, as you have been staying up studying every night, and it’s starting to wear you down.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Let’s be real, Cancer: you’re certifiably insane. What’s the craziest thing you could do at the end of this semester? Take on even more impossibly high levels of responsibility? Hop on a motorcycle that you don’t know how to ride? Slam on your breaks while going down the highway because your ex-girlfriend’s cousin charges your car? Break into an abandoned military base? How about you just focus on passing your finals this time, since the curve won’t always be in your favor.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Life hasn’t been kind to you lately, Leo. It’s been sending you mixed signals. It feels like it’s just been dragging you through the mud, and for what? To make you depressed? To stress you out? To leave you alone, feeling isolated and unloved? Not to fear, Leo, life will get better. With that feeling of loneliness comes the alone time necessary to ace your finals. The depression will improve, and maybe even pass, after a good night’s sleep and a good meal. With the holidays coming up, kick back and do what makes you happy, Leo. You’ve been through a lot; you deserve it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgo, oh, Virgo, where has your motivation gone? Seriously, what’s going on with you? You’ve been skipping classes, dropping assignments and disengaging with the world around you. No matter how many Red Bulls you drink, you’ve been having trouble finding the energy or work ethic to finish off the semester. It’s time to pick yourself up and get your crap together, or else you’re just going to have to do it all over again next semester, and let’s be honest, you already are going to have to re-do at least one course. Not to fear, Virgo, we all have setbacks. Just make sure that yours don’t lead to your demise, as you’re teetering awfully close to the edge.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

What’s up, Libra? You seem to be a stressed mess, but embracing it nonetheless. Go grab a doughnut and hit the books. It may not fix everything, but it’s a start. You constantly feel like hitting up your local quirky bookstore, but that’s not an option until the finals pass. Alternatively, you can try to move on to a more productive type of old and mostly useless book — your textbook. If you aren’t a fan of your classes, however, take to YouTube crash courses. That counts as studying, right?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’re a hard-ass. We know that. Everybody knows that. You somehow manage to be both passive aggressive and overly abrasive. It’s your way or the highway kind of attitude. Well, guess what? It’s the finals way or the “die-nals” way for you this semester. You can’t bully your way into an A, Scorpio. You’re going to have to actually work for it this time. So shape up and ship out to the library. It’s time to hit the books and hit them hard. That is if you want to pass your classes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’ve had a rough time of it, Sagittarius. You’ve worked very hard this semester and dropped the ball a few times, and you’ll probably drop it a few more in the future. The important thing is that you actively try to make tangible change in what you’re doing. You know you’re dropping the ball, and so does everybody else around you, but what are you doing about it? Where can you manage your time better? Generally speaking, using the time you spend on nutrition, sleep and spending some time at the gym is a good place to start, followed by your schoolwork or your actual job. Don’t let anybody down now, especially yourself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’ve had some brilliant ideas lately and with no shortage of creativity either. You’ve been the lucky one in the bunch, generally excelling in what you do. However, you’ve had your own setbacks. You’ve been struggling just like the rest of us. However, you seem to be handling it far better than any other sign. You feel behind, despite feeling on top of things all at once. Your finals will be hell. You will inevitably feel unprepared for them. However, you’ll probably get at least a C.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve always been cool as a cucumber on the outside, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t freaking out over whether or not you can manage to pass your finals on the inside. You’ve never turned down a good time, but you might have to in these last couple weeks if you want to keep your dignity and sanity intact. You can do it, but the question is, are you willing to turn down a good time to do it? You’ve always been passionate about what you do, but is that enough?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’ve really grown into yourself these past couple years, Pisces. You’ve had a lot of “firsts” recently, and life finally seems to be going your way. Just remember, what goes up must come down, so don’t bank on your recent good fortune to get you through your finals. Finals is a whole different beast and definitely isn’t on your list of good “firsts” you’ve been experiencing lately. It’ll be okay. Just study hard, do some deep breathing and get a little bit of sleep.

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