The following is an excerpt from the diary of an incoming freshman named Brian.
August 22, 2015: Man, what a great day to start my new chapter at North Dakota State!
Mom asked yesterday if I was packed and ready to go in the morning, but I have been packed since last February when I got my acceptance letter — I wonder if I should get that framed? I bet the older students all have theirs at college!
The drive to campus was pretty smooth; Dad kept trying to pawn off wisdom to me the whole ride, but what would he know about a real college. He went to the University of North Dakota.
No sooner had we arrived to my new dorm “Seim” did it start pouring rain, but that wasn’t too bad for me because I just had Mom and Dad carry everything into my room while I checked in.
Mom and Dad both cried before they left. Dad only started crying after he gave me their credit card — that tight ass.
Oh, and my roommate Jake seems pretty cool as well. I don’t know how, but there were already two pizza boxes on the floor. That’s a good sign right?
August 24, 2015: I wonder if they will let me live in the dining center? I have never had that much ice cream in my life. Mom should really come here to learn a thing or two about cooking.
The weekend was such a blur that I didn’t have time to write. We did all sorts of things, and I only got lost twice! This college thing is great; I don’t know why my older brother always complains about classes. Come to think of it, I haven’t even seen a teacher at this place yet.
I went to the President’s Welcome today, and boy, they must really like us freshmen because they pulled out all the stops for it! We got to walk with the president, they had the marching band out there playing for us and they even gave us graduation tassels already. This degree thing is a piece of cake!
It got kinda boring though when people got up on stage to talk. The student body president and vice president tried to be funny, but after you hear that stupid bison joke at every event it gets old, and yes, Josh, we all know there is ice cream in the dining centers.
They even had a hypnotist this weekend! It’s just like high school except without class and stuff. I am slightly disappointed I haven’t found a girlfriend yet, though. I kinda thought that would happen by now. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.
August 25, 2015: Classes started today, I was totally prepared for it, too. I had all of my books in my backpack, laptop, calculator, notebook and planner. All we went over though was this thing called a “syllabus.” What a piece of cake.
I finally got my Outlook email working today, and they send out all these emails called Listservs telling me about things that are going on. I think those are going to be really useful.
I did have an email saying something about my tuition being applied to Campus Connection, but I will figure out what that means next week.
As for tonight, Jake said he knows about a house party, so we are going to round up everybody in the dorm and walk over there in one big group.
September 1, 2015: Who schedules a quiz one week after classes start?
To make things worse, people stopped giving me free stuff.
Jake now has a small mountain of pizza boxes that he won’t throw away.
My backpack ripped from all the books I was carrying, and I lost my lanyard yesterday! Is nothing sacred!
It will be OK, though; I still have the dining center.
September 2, 2015: Today, I was shown how to check my Campus Connection bill. I have made a grave mistake.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire, if you did not laugh, now is the time to start.