Now that we’re getting back into the swing of things, there are a few things we get to say “goodbye” to. Some are a little sad, like our families and pets; some I’m happy to see go, like summer jobs and sleep. Now that campus is alive and well, why would I waste my time sleeping? There’s work to do and people to see. That’s why over the past three years I’ve perfected the art of not sleeping. I happily pass this knowledge on to you.

Tip #1: Drink coffee

The nectar of the gods that one. When I first drank coffee, it went down like a cup of dirt. Now it goes down like a cup of dirt, but it’s better than the headache I get without it. If you want some pep in your step and Adderall isn’t your cup of tea, drink coffee. Or just an actual cup of tea.

Tip #2: Cold air

If you’re feeling cozy, you’ll soon get dozy. If you feel yourself slipping, make sure to open a window or go for a walk. The crisp night air will wake you right up. It will also remind you why you’re awake in the first place. Why would you sleep and miss such a beautiful night?

Tip #3: Mini blackouts

If you stay awake long enough, your body will reach max efficiency. Instead of wasting eight hours sleeping, your mind will just black out for like a few seconds a few dozen times an hour. Once your routine is down, you can fill in that missing time easy. Pretty neat, eh?

Tip #4: Ignore loved ones

Sometimes when people act with ambition, others will see it as a sign of distress. They’ll say things like, “Hey, you should maybe sleep” and “Is that drool?” but they just don’t understand what max efficiency looks like. In any case, they’re just being nice and looking out for you. Politely smile and tell them you’ll think about it.

Tip #5: Nuts

They are a great source of protein and energy. If you want an all-natural pick-me-up, peanuts are the way to go. Even just a PB&J will go a long way.

Tip #6: In conclusion

Well, I hope this guide has taught you a thing or two about living without sleep. A lot of so-called “professors” and “medical personnel” will tell you a good sleep schedule will improve your performance in school and quality of life. Personally, I’d rather just be out there living. First, I think I might rest my eyes quick.

Just for a second.