Fight the Lies: Nobody Likes Burnt Marshmallows

PHOTO COURTESY James Lee FLICKR.COM | A man roasting a marshmallow, nothing else to see here
A man roasting a marshmallow, nothing else to see here

Today in the Opinion section, I’m going to be telling you yours: you don’t like burnt marshmallows. There are three ideas in this life that I will fight for to the bitter end: never trust anything that uses the word “toxins,” Furious 7 was garbage (I could fill the entire Opinion section on this one) and nobody likes burnt marshmallows.

We all know someone who does it. We all sit around the fire preparing to roast marshmallows. You’re gathering sticks, getting together ingredients for ‘smores, putting up a heated, yet futile resistance against the mosquitoes that have decided you are their walking buffet and then they come along.

They look normal and civilized, until it comes time to roast and they shove their ‘mallow straight in an eager flame. You stifle a gasp as the fire licks at what was once a symbol of innocence and purity, the treat you’ve enjoyed since you could hold a stick. Your every memory becomes clouded with soot as the proud piece of summer night delight is corrupted by heat and greed.

They grin their twisted grin, the shadows bouncing around their face, and muster “it tastes better burnt.”

Everyone becomes visibly uncomfortable. The group will try to make it less awkward. Everyone just acts like they’re off put by the kid who’s spent the last minute and a half staring at a the burnt marshmallow, not saying a word. Deep down, we all know what’s really going on. They just don’t seem to care.

It’s important to note, I’m not even arguing that golden brown marshmallows are better. I’m saying that if you try to tell me that you like burnt marshmallows better, I will politely inform you that you do not.  I have never believed anyone who says they prefer the taste of sugary ash over a cylindrical cloud of joy kissed by Prometheus himself.

The only valid statement in favor of flaming fluff is that it cooks faster. It’s true after all. Most things do tend to cook faster when you light them on fire like a goddamn Neanderthal. It does not, however, make them taste better. The texture and taste, even if bearable, are nowhere near a proper, golden brown marshmallow.

So why does part of our population think this is acceptable behavior?

I blame parents. Kids are too impatient to enjoy the finer things in life, like a properly browned marshmallow. They just stick it in the fire. Kids have this mentality where if they don’t eat sugar within seconds of its appearance, parents will come to their senses and take it away. These kids have only really eaten burnt marshmallows and will go on to become warped adults. Parents need to discipline their children, make them take a second and enjoy life.

So teach your kid there are no short cuts in life. You don’t get things quick with quality. You get what you put in and they need to put in the time. Make them invest in their studies, hobbies and interests. Invest in books, movies and media. Invest in the ‘mallow.


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