Failure to Wring Out: A Roommate Story

PHOTO COURTESY | WIKI COMMONS
Julie and Carrie, photographed above, have no idea how to care for sponges and rags.

A new study out today confirms that 94 percent of college roommates have no idea how to wring out their damn kitchen dishrag or sponge. Shelly McDaniel has more information about this disturbing statistic.

McDaniel, who is famous for exposing that 97 percent college men don’t change their bed sheets more than once a year, discussed this growing epidemic with me.

“It has been studied and hypothesized for years, but after conducting years of research involving immersing ourselves in the environment, we have made our findings.”

McDaniel went on to say that the immersion element of her research involved signing onto a lease with a group of girls for six months. She noted that not one of her roommates ever rung out the dish rag and continued to use it, even after the distinct mildew smell was pungent and apparent.

“It was truly horrifying to watch them clean dishes with a rag literally growing bacteria that one could smell … they even went on to eat off that plate mere moments later.”

McDaniel, a biologist, told me that her research also involved a second participant. She required the help of a physiologist, John Bloomfield, to study why people ignore common sense and don’t wring out their rags or sponges.

“Through our research, we have concluded that it is most likely these people who don’t wring out sponges have a destroyed mental state, most likely from an unloving father. I also hypothesize that they are an awful conversationalist, but our sample size isn’t big enough for that conclusion yet.”

Bloomfield’s research, although rather clear, doesn’t rule out changes in behavior.

“I would suggest shoving their nose in the sponge or rag to show them not to do that again. I wouldn’t suggest this practice on dogs, for example, because it’s cruel, but for a human, I say let it rip and make that bastard know your cleanliness standards.”

The research, which concluded last March and has been published in one of North Dakota State’s own science journals, has been corroborated across the country. Some people say that education on this issue is important and needed for any good chance at positive change.

For The Spectrum, I am Erik Jonasson II and I will for sure be updating this story, hopefully right around the same time your roommate Miranda decides to finally wring out that damn sponge she left waterlogged in the sink for over three hours.

Last updated, 9:29 a.m. Feb. 28.

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