Erik’s Cooking Column: Mac and Not Cheese

Gooey deliciousness in a pot.

All right, good day to you. I am going to show you how to create the best goddamn, mac and not cheese. Yeah, that is not cheese.

So, are you ready? If not, feel free to put the paper down or your phone down. It is fine. All right, let us get to it.

Now the first thing about cooking vegan is to make sure you wear a shirt or button or both that says you are vegan. If you skip this step, you are missing the whole point.

Grab the ingredients that you will need. The first thing you will start is the macaroni. I prefer larger noodles, but anything will work.

If you don’t know how to make boil macaroni, I can’t help you. I am assuming you also understand how to check for al dente. Make sure to add salt unless you are Olive Garden.

Now that it is cooking, let us make some not cheese.

Alright, so this is the real struggle here. Many vegans out there like junk food. Most junk food though is awful. Also, it is not particularly vegan.

For those vegans out there, I will tell you, this is the best damn “cheese ever.

Alright, make sure you have the following: raw cashews, nutritional yeast, potatoes, carrots, an oxford comma, onion, paprika, cayenne, pepper and salt, almond milk and lemon juice. Soak the cashews in water.

Now make sure to grab a pot and start to boil a quarter of an onion, one potato and one carrot. This is a feel thing. If your potato is a nano-potato add another. Geez, be an independent thinker.

All right, boil until it is soft, usually anywhere from one minute if you cook on the sun to about 79 years on Venus.

So now grab your blender. If you don’t have one, please consider adopting.

Grab a slotted spoon and scoop out those boiled vegetables. Save the water you fool, if you dump it out you fail.

All right grab those soaked cashews and now throw in the seasoning. A quarter cup of almond milk, two tablespoons of lemon juice, three tablespoons of nutritional yeast, salt and pepper to taste and dash of paprika.

Now blend it up, but first, pet your fish Ahab.

All right, you’re looking for a nice yellow cheesy color. It might be a little orange depending on the size of the carrot. I promise you, it will taste amazing. Also, nutritional yeast rocks.

Now your “cheese” is done, check the macaroni. It should be al dente. Use a dictionary, Thad, sorry you don’t know what that means.

Dump the macaroni in a colander to drain. Now return it to the pot. Dump that cheese all over that pasta. Queue food porn music.

Mix it all up and make sure to grab a bowl for your friend, this s—t is awesome. I could eat a whole pot. Plus, the animals love it. My dog Salish would totally eat this. Don’t worry, I will write an article featuring Salish.

So now that you know how to make vegan mac and cheese you will most likely be able to make friends at any liberal arts college. Also, consider this an alternative to Kraft Macaroni and Orange Powder. This stuff is seriously good.


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