Doing Long Distance Right

From someone who’s never done distance

It’s like having fun with your partner, except it’s not as fun.

Long distance relationships are like a 7-foot tall step-father: long and distant. Still, some of you guys are holding onto your high school sweethearts, and I think that’s sweet. For you love birds that can’t fly south this Valentine’s Day, let me give you a few tips. The key is to make them feel like they’re right here with you.

Order something you can eat a lot of, because one of you is a computer 

Let’s go with a classic scenario, dinner and a movie. Skype them in, and they can experience it face to screen to face. To start, they will need to be blindfolded. Some of you might be thinking, “Can’t I just tape the camera or something?” Well, sure you can, and none of us blame you for having no sense of romance and being human scum. The point is that they need to feel like they are there. I didn’t ask to give you unsolicited advice; take it seriously. Take them out, take it off and let them soak in the view you’ve prepared for them:

You’re at the restaurant. It’s classy. It’s fancy. It’s got servers. It’s got menus. It’s got food. The food is microwaved. It’s an Applebee’s. It’s not actually classy or fancy. It is an Applebee’s, though. Applebee’s will allow you to set up a computer on one end of the table. Applebee’s will work. Order something you can eat a lot of because one of you is a computer. Do not order the seafood. It’s an Applebee’s, you savage.

I’m not paying for two tickets if I can smuggle you in like Junior Mints. 

So, you just successfully had one of your top 10 dinners at an Applebee’s with someone who is on the other side of a computer screen. Now, you’re going to the movies. Thing is, theaters are kind of sticklers about recording devices in movies. A nice manager might let you two kids enjoy the movie without all this sneaking around, but I’m not paying for two tickets if I can smuggle you in like Junior Mints. You’ll want to switch over to a tablet, and someone is getting under someone’s shirt. I mean, it is Valentine’s Day, right?

Well, you did it. You put together a surprise. You had a half decent dinner. You got ejected by a 16-year-old usher at the theater. Someone got under someone’s shirt. I don’t know what else you want from Valentine’s Day.

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