We’re almost two full years into making America great again, and yet the pumpkin spice trend is still going strong. This is a slap to the face to the one true fall flavor — apple cinnamon.
In all my years on God’s green earth, I cannot for the life of me think of anything more disrespectful to the U.S. of A than this obvious affront to patriotism. The saying isn’t “As American as pumpkin pie.” It’s apple pie, you treasonous ne’er-do-wells.
And while some people may say our president looks like a pumpkin, we all know he prefers apple cinnamon flavored things.
In the Garden of Eden, the fruit of knowledge of good and evil that Eve ate wasn’t a pumpkin; it was clearly an apple. And while some people may say our president looks like a pumpkin, we all know he prefers apple cinnamon flavored things. (I have no way to prove this, but I just know it in my bones.)
So when and where did God’s one true seasonally festive flavor fall from grace, thus leading to the collapse of American society? Seattle, Washington, of course.
The month and year was January 2003, and Ashton Kutcher’s “The Butterfly Effect” ruled the movie box office. But more importantly, Starbucks started to develop the “Pumpkin Spice Latte” after the success of wintery favorites “Peppermint Mocha” and “Eggnog Latte.”
As Little Timmy and Susie slept, little did the country know what kind of effect the Pumpkin Spice Latte would have on the seasonal beverage industry and, ultimately, the integrity of American life.
Fast forward 15 years, and the Pumpkin Spice Latte, as well as pumpkin spice everything, is figuratively everywhere, although it feels literal at times. I can’t walk through campus without seeing some consumerist sheep carrying the slightly orange tinged caffeinated beverage.
It’s even more distracting when I’m sitting in a class that I paid for (well, actually my parents pay for my tuition) and have to turn away my attention from the professor to see some mindless Starbucks junkie slurping on a PSL.
Yes, you read that right. PSL. Like all things bad, the Pumpkin Spice Latte has its own cute acronym. Think about it: HIV, CNN, UND. All bad.
This is all beside the point. The truth of the matter is apple cinnamon is the far superior flavor. It’s sweet, tart and a little bit spicy. Not like “These Cool Ranch Doritos are spicy,” but more like cinnamon is a spice and thus apple cinnamon is spicy. Maybe put down your phone and pick up a dictionary every so often.
“But if apple cinnamon is better, then why hasn’t Starbucks released the ‘Apple Cinnamon Latte,’ aka the ACL?” you so rudely ask, interrupting me. First, no one asked you. Second, I’m not a miracle worker, nor am I a food scientist. But if Starbucks found a way to put unicorns and mermaids into a specialty beverage, then I’m certain they could figure out an apple cinnamon latte, especially considering apples and cinnamon actually exist, you know, unlike unicorns and mermaids. Third, they do have such a thing, and it’s called the “Caramel Apple Spice.”
At the end of the day, if you want the terrorists to win, then I suppose you can continue to indulge yourself with a Pumpkin Spice Latte while you eat a pumpkin spice donut and wipe your mouth with a pumpkin spice napkin.
Know that if you truly loved America, then you’d denounce all that and wash down your apple cinnamon baked good with a nice warm apple cinnamon beverage, just as the Founding Fathers intended.