Bresciani Confirms, The Chamber has been Opened

THE SPECTRUM | EMILY BEAMAN
You’re a wizard Deano.

What has been feared for many weeks has finally been confirmed.

President Dean Bresciani held a press conference in the Great Union Dining Center Hall and confirmed that The Chamber of STEM has indeed been opened again.

The Chamber of STEM has a history of stress and poor test grades. It’s last opening — believed to be about 50 years ago — lead to a 30 percent final exam average for Mechanics of Materials.

“Us second year Engineering students are scared to walk around Dolve nowadays. We are using a buddy system,” Betty Bison a second-year engineering student said on hearing the Chamber had been opened.

Students and faculty alike are, of course, frightful. The Chamber is rumored to be located in the grossest, darkest place on campus; initial hypotheses place it somewhere under Ladd Hall.

“STEM students should be taking tests with the utmost caution,” President Bresciani said in the Great Union Dining Center Hall to all the houses. “Students should expect large red markings that make no sense whatsoever. The forecast calls for a lot of D’s and F’s I am afraid.”

Bresciani also warned students who aren’t pure-blooded-coffee to be worried the most. It is said the monster attacks those students first.

We all remember the stories of the great monster residing in The Chamber as well.

“It was terrifying,” Billy Herd said of his encounter with the monster. “He strolled in my Dynamics exam wearing a cardigan. I swear his eyes were antifreeze yellow. It was terrifying having him proctor the exam.”

The monster is the called Nazaralisk. He has been known to haunt engineering student’s nightmares.

The monster is easy enough to spot. Direct eye contact is not recommended. The only known antidote for his grading is said to be a magical device known as a curve.

“I have heard rumors of this magical device called a curve,” Betty Bison said.  “I have no idea what to make of it. My friend said it is a cure for the monster, but I am just petrified by fear personally.” She luckily took her statics class with Stewart so she has not directly exposed to the monster.

Bresciani tried to gather up moral. With such bad news, NDSU students needed a boost. Billy Herd said he had cried after every dynamics, statics and materials exam.

“We are one NDSU family here. I expect nothing but decent grades. Students, especially those in STEM fields, don’t expect A’s by any means. Remember, a C is good for some classes.”

NDSU is obviously shaken up, but we have done everything right now. We just need to wait. As for the monster don’t look him in the eyes at all costs.

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