opinion

Dear readers, I come to you today with tragic news for our university. It appears our once-beloved president’s wasteful spending has at last caught up with us all. I am sure you have all heard about the impending budget…

opinion

Dear readers, I have exciting news from Tinsel Town. Paramount has announced plans to reboot “Roots,” the critically acclaimed and culturally significant story tracing the descendants of an African slave. Even better, it appears that beloved actor Tom Hanks…

opinion

GMOs Finally Banned

Dear readers, I come to you today with incredible news for liberals everywhere! The brave ecological warriors of America have at last succeeded in outlawing genetically modified organisms. The outbreak of organic food parties across the east and west…

opinion

North Dakota State student government recently made shocking changes to its own constitution and is taking on a new role in the lives of students. Wooed by the recent release of the latest Star Wars episode, student government has renamed…

opinion

Dear readers, While I hope you all enjoyed your break, I am tasked with greeting you with grave news indeed. Word has reached my ears that the United States has been quietly taken over by a sinister Galactic Empire….