Busch River

Busch Light makes the most of the run off from Fargo Snow

Fargo officials have discovered something potentially devastating in the snow runoff. The EPA is reporting that 55% of the overall runoff from the snow build up is actually Busch Light.

The EPA released a statement entitled “Come on, guys,” which lambasted Fargo and NDSU in general.

When asked how this would affect wildlife like fish in the Red River, EPA spokesperson Ronald Johnson said the fish will be OK and just a little out of it for a while.

“The fish have shown a liking to salty foods, chewing tobacco and talking about how excited for WE Fest they are,” Johnson said.

The actual long-term effects to the river could be mitigated by Busch being the closest thing to water besides La Croix, according to Johnson.

The source of the contaminants is a mixture of littered beer cans and urine, according to Johnson. “It’s unprecedented how much bad beer these people drink.”

The original source was definitely a combination of Chubs Pub off University and the fraternities around campus. “I don’t want to blame anyone, but they definitely had the largest contribution to the problem.”

Local “Dart-y Champ” Collin Chris-Patrick told The Spectrum that he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

“I haven’t read the report, but, you know, just let us live man,” Chris-Patrick said.

Chris-Patrick said he won the title of “Dart-y Champ” after beating the reigning bro last summer.

“It was quite an honor. I got my name in the Bismarck Tribune, and it’s been a lifesaver on my resume up here,” Chris-Patrick said.

Chris-Patrick said the EPA is just trying to be a “buzz kill” and ruin his eight-game win streak in Dart-y.

Chris-Patrick said the new phenomenon has led to many of his friends making what they call “Busch Cones” from the cleaner snow around their house.

After hearing of this trend, all the heads of the EPA resigned and took higher paying jobs in the private sector.

“It’s just not worth it anymore,” Ronald Johnson said. “When I heard of Busch Cones, I went to a dark place in my psyche that had not surfaced since the divorce.”

Andrew Wheeler, Trump’s appointed EPA head, even resigned, giving the public one last comment: “As a former coal lobbyist, being appointed to the EPA was nuts, but I had no idea people could be this disrespectful to their surroundings and still reap the benefits.”

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