The only coverage The Rectum needs
Area cat goes missing, student journalist conveniently also missing
In tragic news, a local Fargo feline has gone missing.
The name of the cat has not been released, but mostly because NDSU Police have declined to investigate because they “don’t do animals.”
Local pet detective Spade Bernardino heavily suspects “foul play” was involved. When asked for comment, Bernardino said, “Oh, that cat is dead. Fur sure.”
So far there has not been many leads, but a video that one person has described as “viral” shows what looks like the cat in question and an unnamed student journalist threatening to kill the cat if “people don’t look at my butthole” was released last week. The person in the video has not been reached for comment and has not been seen since the cat was reported missing.
Friends and family members are asking for people to give them their thoughts and prayers, as well as cash donations to their GoFundMe page. They said they also have their Venmo open.
The Rectum is hemorrhaging money. So, in order to bring the best, most accurate news coverage to the four students that read our paper, an unnamed person that stalks us on Facebook and Labby’s Bar and Grill, which oddly enough makes up 92% of our readership, we have sold out.
Like the alcoholics we are, the natural thing for The Rectum to do was to get a sponsor that will inevitably get disappointed with our progress and leave us.
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Introducing the Buhtfore
AirPods are so 2018. The new hot trend taking social media by storm is the Buhtfore, the ultimate status symbol. If you’re a millennial and don’t have a Buhtfore, then you might as well consider your social life dead.
Over 69,000 Buhtfores were sold in the first quarter of 2019, a staggering amount considering marketing for the product is entirely word of mouth.
Come holiday time, there’s no doubt the No. 1 question parents, local TV anchors and old people alike will be asking themselves will be, “What’s a Buhtfore?”
Weird flex, but OK
Horse Girls and Bronies pay attention. A new study from world-renowned equine scientist Dr. Boseph J. Horseman has sent ripples throughout equestrian societies.
According to the study, Kegel exercises have been “scientifically proven” to increase the performance of both race and show horses. The relaxing and contracting of the Kegel muscles lead to stronger horse groins and thus more powerful strides.
Truly shocking stuff. Almost as shocking as finding out Daniel Radcliffe of “Harry Potter” fame was in a West End revival of the stage play “Equus.”
But not everyone is excited about the idea of horse Kegels, as some people moaned and groaned during about the news. “I don’t want to think about my precious pony doing those kinds of things with their, uh, groin muscles,” local horse girl Becca Lynn Johnson said.
Not since the initial release of the animated TV show “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” galloped into the hearts of young girls and twenty-something men across the world has there been so much discourse amongst the community.
“Neighsayers will refute my findings and try to stirrup controversy, but don’t be foaled,” Dr. Horseman said. “My research was incredibly thorough, and I believe my conclusions will not change; they are stable.”