Black Friday First Aid Kit

They may not have been at the First Thanksgiving, but this is definitely their last.

It’s been almost a week since families got together, ate dinner, drove to the store, made small talk with their neighbors and then taught their young how to spill blood. Now that you are safely back at college enjoying your spoils of war, you may find you need some maintenance. Wounds to be licked, tears to mend, “Sorry I concussed you for a French press” letters to write. So now that you’ve got a little bit of time before dead week starts in full swing, let me help you adjust back to civilized living. You’ll just need to do a few things.

1) Look at all your cool new stuff

Let’s not forget what this was all about. You ended your Thanksgiving early and drove to Best Buy, but you know one angry mother who isn’t getting her kids an Xbox this Christmas. You, however, have all your Christmas presents for the next two years neatly stacked in a pile. Whatever the commitment, you can rest assured only some were out of greed.

2) Look at yourself in the mirror

Try to remember that wasn’t you. Black Friday is like Halloween, except instead of dressing like monsters we become the monsters. While some stores just had people complaining there are no more good deals, the same chain somewhere else in the country will have folks foaming at the mouth over a 30 percent off toaster. If you see red and come to an hour later with a new TV and a handful of someone else’s hair, well ’tis the season.

3) Look online and regret your choices

Not gonna lie, this is the hard part. At some point, you have to face the music and see that those deals aren’t what you thought they were. That $700 phone you got for $449.99? Well, guess what it cost a month ago. That’s right, $449.99. The kicker? On Cyber Monday you could have got it delivered to your door for $399.99. Already weighed down by cast and conscience, this news has to be crushing. At least it gives you a second chance to impulse buy a rice cooker.

At this point you may be wondering, was it all worth it? At the end of the day, you’ve got this neat stuff, you’ve come to terms with the effort it took and, after all this, you could have just shopped online. Well, try to remember the fun you had. There’s never a good excuse to camp in the middle of a sidewalk; you can’t even have a campfire unless you want to spend the night in the drunk tank. You also came out with the real treasure: the time you spent with your loved ones. Especially the ones who didn’t make it out.

Leave a Reply