Billy, Billy, Billy: Oh No

This past week I got an email that urged me to take the contents of it very seriously. Well, honestly, I don’t take much seriously. I hate it when people try to make me care about things.

Yes, folks this past week I got an email that told me all the terrible “facts” about Muslims and Islam.

I can’t say thank you enough to Billy, the supposed sender’s name. I only got it from his email address because upon further questioning, I was asked to not care about his identity and to rather care more about the facts.

So what did Billy send me? Well, he sent me a 2,000-word email and relayed to me that there is absolutely no way he had access to a word processor. Billy … 2,000 words in an email? Couldn’t you attach a word document?

Hey Billy, I will edit your piece though, but perhaps you can learn from your mistakes for the second time you send me something to publish. Sadly, I don’t think this will be published, since there are a lot of errors.

First things first, you start your masterpiece with a quote,

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence,” – John Adams.

Alright, don’t start with a quote; that’s first-day stuff. We delete those quotes and put them somewhere else usually, and since this quote from John Adams is possibly the best writing in this, we must keep it.

Alright, Billy, my red pen found another critical error.

“An accurate way to think about American Muslims is that they have dual citizenship — Islam and US.”

I mean, really? This is a big claim, and it is going to take some big evidence to confirm this for me. Oh, but you see Billy, you linked your source as WikiIslam, which I literally couldn’t make up. If it isn’t good enough for a research paper, then sorry, The Spectrum won’t publish it unless you know, its liberal propaganda or the communist manifesto.

Billy, you have something I’d like to call, Fox Molder Predisposition. But in your case, it isn’t aliens or Big Foot, but rather jackassery. Stop making insane leaps and expecting your audience to just blindly follow; that only works a majority of the time at Fox News.

But let us continue, shall we?

Alright, even later on you move to make another rather large claim, that there are Muslim-No-Go zones, which to me sounds more like a Toby Keith concert than something I’d actually be scared of.

You claim that there are zones in Europe and America that are apparently, No-Go zones where Sharia Law prevails, and non-Muslims are restricted from entering.

Alright, well after research, and I promise you it was maybe a minute, I found this to be an outrageous lie, one that Snopes and The Los Angeles Times debunk as well as other major media sources. People from these ‘No-Go’ zones denied it, especially the white people, who you claimed didn’t exist there.

Even more, Fox News the originator of the story of ‘No-Go’ zones apologized for the inaccuracy. So, obviously there is no way we can keep that, we will just cut that out.

Now, in another section, you outline the Muslims’ grand plan of taking over countries in a seven-point plan. This is ludicrous; the last time I had a seven-point plan was when I drunkenly made a quesadilla a few weeks ago.

These ‘points,’ which include the first immigrant who brings Islam to Muslims forcing money from non-Muslims for protection, and finally, 100 percent total take over, sounds a lot more like U.S. history than anything else. If you would have linked that, then I might have played along with your ideas, but instead you linked a vague Google search that led me to more of the yanky-danky-doodle-bulls*** I’ve come to expect at this point.

Finally, we come to my personal favorite part — the part where you quote the Quran. You give citations so that people can go and look up these passages themselves. The only problem is Billy, and I mean the only problem, is that the first passage is quoted grossly incorrect. I mean, the first one Billy.

But Billy, I think I might have found your worst offense:

“If you find this info. informative and helpful, please consider copying it and sharing with your elected representatives, colleagues, friends, family and posting to Muslim related news articles.”

Look here Billy, if you are going to take a huge s*** in my inbox, a curling pile of s*** that reaches over 2,000 words of idiocracy, at least have the common decency to have it be your own personal s***.

Yeah, maybe next time buddy. Look, folks, your parents or grandparents might get things like this. And it is our jobs as educated members of society to quickly shut these up. Have those difficult conversations and don’t let your friends or family fall victim to inaccurate accounts or sensationalism. Don’t let someone like Billy tell them about the world.

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