THE SPECTRUM | BRENNA MUELLER
Bigfoot sightings at NDSU match his already established description.
Last week, dozens reported seeing, yet again, Bigfoot here at North Dakota State University. This would follow up last month’s sighting in Churchill Hall’s basement area and September’s sighting in West Dining Center. Students are shaken as these sightings have become more and more strange.
“I saw Bigfoot hanging out tailgating last week,” Brad Johnson, a junior at NDSU, told me. According to his reports submitted to campus police, Bigfoot was seen grilling hot dogs and chugging Keystone Lights. Johnson says he is terrified now.
“It kind of changes a man … to see that large figure, wearing bison horns and chugging beer. It is enough to make you question the existence of aliens and whether we legally have to pay taxes.”
Johnson’s testament is not unlike others from students and eyewitnesses. Many report seeing a large figure coated in black or dark brown hair. A terrible odor takes over your nostrils whenever you get close. These reports would corroborate the general Bigfoot description.
After such high profile sightings, the cast from “Finding Bigfoot” have landed in Fargo and are staying at the Overlook Hotel. They plan on talking to eyewitnesses and most likely not finding Bigfoot.
“I saw Bigfoot in line for food at Residence Dining Center getting enchiladas.” Katy Patterson reports having seen the mighty squatch a couple weeks back before her eight o’clock class. Patterson even got a video recording of Bigfoot as it was leaving the Dining Center. Patterson notes the following:
“I could smell Bigfoot from across the room. As it approached the front of the line he quietly grabbed his food. He even had a banana, which would confirm to me that it was indeed Bigfoot … After he had eaten his fill, and I had stared in disbelief for half an hour, Bigfoot got up and left heading toward The Engineering buildings … I have never been more astounded in my life.”
The Patterson footage is being inspected by film students in Renaissance Hall, with early reports confirming that the film is genuine.
Biology department head Bruce Stoneman has been very vocal about the sighting of Bigfoot on campus. According to his statement released to The Spectrum,
“Bigfoot’s sightings at NDSU represent a creature who is very elusive and rare. I encourage all students to leave Bigfoot alone and to not get within 20 feet of him for fear of vicious attack.”
Stoneman has been researching Bigfoot since Burning Man of ’67. Stoneman has also seen Bigfoot wandering through the offices of the biology department and again later that day at Spicy Pie on the south side of campus.
Reports continue to trickle in, but with this drastic increase in sightings, our only hope may be the group from “Finding Bigfoot.” Bigfoot is guaranteed to be a trending topic here on campus, and sightings are sure to persist.
Local authorities, The Spectrum included, are urging people to avoid the following risky behavior as a way to avoid run-ins with the elusive Bigfoot.
Do not play any country music; Bigfoot is much more an Iron and Wine listener. Avoid wearing suspenders for pure fashion purposes; Bigfoot is more of a functionality kind of being. Try to resist the urge to dab or whip; Bigfoot can be attracted from miles around due to these activities.
If spotted, drop to the ground and pretend you are in an eight o’clock lecture. Make sure to draw a circle around you in the dirt and prepare for anything. Be safe, and be aware.
Story last updated 10-26-17 at 9:36 a.m.