Ask Rio | Long Hair, Don’t Care

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Dear Rio,

I’ve been thinking about growing out my hair, but as a guy, I’m concerned about people judging me. As someone with long hair, what are your thoughts on the matter? – Long hair, do I care?

Dear Long Hair,

One thing you need to know about having long hair — people will notice. Take my grandpa, for instance. He’s a bit of a traditionalist, and tactful to boot.

“You look like a hobo, kid,” he told me after a few scissors-free months went by.

But don’t let anything like that worry you. Honking off the old folks is part of the fun.

My personal favorite type of noticer is the wistfully staring bald guy. Very much reminiscent of a starving guy locked out of the buffet.

But let them stare. You’re practically doing them a public service by existing as a reminder of when they, too, could grow long flowing locks and climb multiple flights of stairs without wheezing like an asthmatic walrus.

Let me outline a few reasons why you should ditch the scissors and let those follicles flourish.

Jesus

Have you ever seen a picture of the guy? Momentarily ignore that they are modern interpretations, and not actually photos.

Long hair. Every time. I say if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me, and it’s good enough for you, too.

It’s easy

Literally the only thing you have to do is not cut it.

It’s casual

“How do you look so casual, Rio?” people ask me. “It looks like you just rolled out of bed.”

“I just rolled out of bed,” I respond. Talk about simple.

Mad scientist

Forgot to comb your hair in the morning? No problem. Now you look like Einstein.

Frankly, I never comb my hair — it brings out the lit. major in me.

Laziness

Nobody expects a hippie to do anything. On days where I’m lacking in motivation, I just throw on my rainbow jacket from the ’70s. Occasionally people suspect I’m high, but that’s a double bonus since then they really don’t expect me to do anything.

Warmth

You no longer need that scarf, or that hat.

As you can see, there are tons of positives to growing out your hair, and virtually no downsides.

Except for the static. I can power small cities in the winter time. But disregard that.

What are you waiting for?

Go stock up on conditioner and grow that hair.

– R

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