Former Governor Arnie Can Do Whatever He Wants

PHOTO COURTESY Zero Emission Resource Organisation | Arnold Schwarzenegger seeing the future of America.
PHOTO COURTESY | Zero Emission Resource Organisation 
Arnold Schwarzenegger seeing the future of America.

Mobile games were originally things like solitaire and pong. Now they’re a way to build stature in a global community until a 13-year-old in East Asia crushes your hours of work and says things about your mother you’re happy you can’t understand. They are also a way to print an obscene amount of money. My favorite is “Gravity Stack,” but a more popular one is “Mobile Strike,” which has employed former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as its spokesman.

While the former governator is an accomplished actor, he still in a way represents the state of California. Now think about this for a moment: we’re aware that politicians are taking money from corporations for maybe not-so-great reasons, but this is a former governor openly taking money to endorse a product. Can you imagine if other former politicians did that?

Think about it, what if during future-former President Obama’s State of the Union Address, he was just taking a break every once in a while to sip from a can of Pepsi and whispering to himself loud enough for the mic to pick up “wow, that’s crisp.” You know he’s getting paid, as that is the only way anyone would ever compliment Pepsi, and that would be a bit worrying. That would be a man in charge of our livelihoods that is openly saying “give me cash, I’ll see what I can do.” It’d be even crazier with this election.

Picture this: the debate between canidates, Clinton and Trump. Trump’s sweating bullets to the point where his toupee is beginning to slip off and Hilary’s pant suit is getting shredded by her reptilian scales. The announcer decides to take a brief intermission and the candidates turn to the camera to endorse their products of choice.

Candidate Trump shows off his “Trump Towers Spray Tan™.” It’ll keep you looking orange to the point where people stop questioning the fact that your life is an episode of “Jersey Shore.” He runs his hands through his “hair” with fingers small enough to act as a fine tooth comb, and throws a smile to the camera.  Trump only uses “Trump Towers Spray Tan” because the only thing larger than the sun is his ego.

Candidate Hilary decides to take the edge off with a snack. She pulls out her favorite: “Lean Liberal Lizard Food.” She takes out a chunk of something indigestible to humans and places it on her tongue, which is blue to convince predators that she is venomous. She tries winking at the camera before realizing that she does not have eyelids and quick punches in “12345” to check her email.

Cut to commercial and it’s former-politician-turned-sexting-aficionado Anthony “Carlos Danger” Wiener talking about how he just discovered Snapchat. An app that automatically deletes sent pictures has opened a new chapter in his life and hopes it does the same for you. God help us all if that man actually learns what Snapchat is.

I just want to say, I love Arnie. He’s the good former terminator. I really don’t care how he decides to earn some money on the side, I think there’s just something inherently strange about a man who formerly represents an entire state going “this game is sick, check it out! Speaking of checks, when do I get paid?” and the country just laughing it off like “oh that Arnold!” Cue eye roll with accompanying laugh track.

Hey, who am I to judge? I wrote an article offering my clothes as ad space for $20 WHICH IS STILL TOTALLY OPEN TO ANYONE READING.

Ahem. So ya, Arnie, do whatever.

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