Army ROTC Wants Football Team To Score Less

opinion

North Dakota State’s football team racked up a respectable number of points in their game against the Missouri State Bears posting a 55-0 win. The NDSU fan base by and large are huge supporters of resounding, in your ugly Missourian face wins, but not all agree with posting such large point totals.

Enter the North Dakota State Army ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps for you civilians) who has a beef with the NDSU football team. ROTC has asked the football team to stop scoring so many points in a game.

For the five of you horribly deprived people who have never been to a Bison football game, the ROTC cadets following every Bison score, execute one push-up for every point the thundering herd has put up thus far.

I know, many of you who never experienced the joy of enlisted life are thinking to yourselves, no biggie, I do that many push-ups every night before I sit down to play the latest Call of Duty, I’m practically a real soldier. Except you’re not, and you also can’t do a proper push-up, sit down and be quiet.

The problem that most Army Cadets have is that they cannot do that many push-ups, the cadets simply are not Army strong.

“Look, I didn’t join the military to do push-ups in front of thousands of screaming fans who could care less about the physical endurance of my massive biceps.” Said Brian Anderson who found himself pushing during the last football game, “the only thing I want to be pushing is paper across my desk issuing pointless orders for the lower ranks to follow.”

One Cadet struggled from the first score, having problems making it to seven complete push-ups.

“On the second push-up I could feel a slight wobble in my arm, by the time the fifth push-up came around I knew I was in trouble, but the seventh was what really killed me. I got halfway back up when my left arm collapsed faster than a middle eastern government.” Said Bosh Tergel, a Cadet who wanted to use an assumed name to remain “anonymous.” “It was all downhill from there, I try not to remember, it hurts to much.”

“All I could think about was my Drill Sergeant looking at me, screaming in my ear that I would never amount to anything. I guess he was right,” claimed Bosh “he also yelled something about a soup sandwich.”

Air Force ROTC is rumored to have extended an invite to Bosh Tergel to join their ranks, saying that the form of his push-ups, while not Army standard, would exceed all Air Force expectations.

Several members of Army ROTC are planning to take matters into their own hands, claiming that if the football team doesn’t oblige, they will be forced to petition the university administration.

President Bresciani weighed in on the decision saying that he thinks the Cadets should get over it, even going so far as to pose the question, “honestly do you even lift bro?”

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire, if you didn’t laugh now is the time to start.

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