I come to you today with a mixed bag of news. While tragedy may hang in the air, I have the utmost confidence the indomitable American spirit will help us persevere.
It breaks my heart to tell you that we cannot fully appreciated the latest piece of baby news from the Kardashian clan due to our explicit involvement in the destruction of another hospital.
As all good citizens of this republic know, Kim Kardashian is pregnant with her second child, created by future president, Kanye West.
Recently, complications appear to have arisen in the pregnancy. I am unsure as to the nature of these complications, however, because the news channel I was watching cut dramatically to a breaking story about the United States being implicated in the recent bombing of an Afghani health care facility.
I know I speak for all of us, dear readers, when I express my outrage with the news channel.
As we all know, the U.S. Military will deny any involvement, shift the blame to our allies, then ultimately assume full responsibility after a few days when they know we’ve stopped pretending to care.
Given this obvious formula, is it any surprise that I am frustrated with my news source for interrupting a story whose outcome I do not know?
I am well aware of the various tactics and phrases the military will use to obfuscate the nature of its orders and the resulting consequences.
But I remain tragically unaware of the current status of the child of American royalty.
This has gone too far. We must take action to ensure our news stations only cover those stories in which we have a vested interest.
So please join me in boycotting any stations attempting to report on United States violations of the Geneva Conventions. Because Lord knows we have more important things to focus on.