A Note to First Floor Union Bathrooms

ERIK JONASSON II | THE SPECTRUM
This is your starting point.

Dear First Floor Union Bathroom,

First off, how is it going? I can’t help but notice one thing. You must have seen better days.

It isn’t a secret. You suck. Let us make this clear first of all. You are a blemish. A gross run down, stall-doors-barely-close, blemish.

Your floors are a lovely shade of pee yellow. Your stall walls need rebuilding, should I suggest Trump’s proposal?

How are the kids either way? Is the second floor union bathroom making fun of you at all for your shortcomings?

Anyway, first floor union bathroom, I would suggest it is time for you to get yourself back into shape. For god’s sake, please fix your stall doors. The stall closet to the wall doesn’t even close properly.

Let us discuss what you can improve. Then I will close with some positive statements, just like my boss does.

Your stalls hold toilets guaranteed to be stained with poo and a singular pubic hair on the rim. This is what you offer to our school. Can’t you see you could be better?

Your sinks are awful as well, believe it or not. The automatic sinks have character, to say the least. They choose when they want to work. They are the Millennials of sinks. They suck.

The counter itself is guaranteed to have at least a metric ton of water on it, leading to water marks on one’s pants that look a lot like urine. It’s just what I want my class to see when I come strolling into class.

Your trash bin seems to always be over flowing, which is more our fault than yours, but we are talking about your issues now, not mine.

Alright, so the positives. The second-floor bathroom is really close. So there is that, and you have holes in the plumbing that allow people to relieve themselves. Either way, you score a 6/10. I would suggest improving on what I have laid out.

Love,

Your Bathroom Evaluator Erik

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