A List of All the People I Don’t Want to Run for President

PHOTO COUTESY | WIKI COMMONS
Marky Mark, step away from any presidential talks.

The 2020 presidential election seems to be just around the corner, kind of. I personally will miss reading my president address the nation on Twitter while sitting in my own oval office. Let’s be real, the guy is going to be impeached or at least not get re-elected. God, I pray I am right.

With this, in some senses of the word, legendary presidency, Trump has us looking forward to 2020 with reckless abandon as we trade celebrity for celebrity instead of putting a good candidate in the Oval Office.

Mark Zuckerberg 

Although this is in no way official, in all matters of the sense, the guy who holds a lot of your personal history hasn’t announced his decision to run. Which is good. Please don’t run for office.

Look here Zuckerberg, just stop branching out. You are a technological revolutionary. Can’t you just stop there instead of trying to ruin politics? I saw enough of “The Social Network” to know you were, at least at one time, a bit of an asshole.

You know more about me than I would like to admit, and your interview skills are sweaty and problematic at best.

Oprah Winfrey 

Look, Oprah is great. One of the greatest people of her generation. I love her. I love her journalism skills and the professionalism she holds. But that doesn’t mean she needs to be president.

The other day I was at my auto shop of choice waiting for an oil change and the shop was showing “The View.” Not my choice of news of course, but I’ll take it over, “Fox and Friends.”

At one point they were talking about her speech at the Golden Globes, which was great and a true call to action. This great speech was bastardized though when it was stated that she should be president because her ratings would be better than Trump’s and that she could use that against him.

Am I so damn crazy that I don’t want my presidential candidates to be viewed on ratings? I don’t care to see a drama happen in The White House. Just give me HBO and I will be happy with that.

Trump 

No one with the last name of Trump should be considered for president. We’ve been burned once and you Purge movie extras can get out of the White House.

The ghost of the whale from the ‘Free Willy’ movies 

Although Keiko, the whale who played Willy, did a fantastic job in his role as Willy, that does not make him presidential material. Keiko did later die in 2003, which would make his presidential run, in the words of others, rather spooky.

I know PETA and many other animal rights organizations have been pushing for an animal president since the first burning man, but I feel like we aren’t progressive enough for that yet. Maybe in 2024.

Patrick Star 

The fictitious ocean starfish is in no way ready to hold the highest office in this land. He has an inability to hold a decent phone call.

The list of his blunders is documented rather well, including him never receiving an award and his role as Pinhead Larry earning him a Razzie Award.

I hope that he isn’t the Republican nomination, but to be fair he is smarter than their current golden boy.

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